When Generosity Hurts
Generosity is a virtue celebrated across cultures and religions. It is seen as an admirable quality, one that fosters connection and community. However, there are times when generosity, instead of bringing joy, can lead to feelings of hurt, resentment, or fear. What do we do when generosity takes a toll on our well-being amid cultural pressures to be generous, especially this time of year?
Benefits of Generosity
According to The Science of Generosity, “Beyond making people feel rewarded… generosity seems to provide many other positive benefits for the giver.” A review of studies on the benefits resulted in the following:
- Better general health
- Longer lifespan
- Buffer against stress
- Decreases physical illness symptoms and improves treatment outcomes
- Increases psychological well-being and self esteem
- Improves quality of life in older adults
- Increases happiness
- Improves workplace creativity and productivity
- Improves functioning and commitment of relationships.
Common Blocks to Generosity
- Fear of generosity – Financial concerns, fear of rejection, or past experiences of being taken advantage of contribute to a hesitancy to give. Even the simple act of giving time can be met with anxiety, as the fear of overcommitting or not meeting expectations looms large.
- Balancing Self Care – It is common to struggle with finding the right balance between giving to others and taking care of yourself. Overextending yourself, financially, emotionally, or in your schedule, leads to burnout and strained relationships.
- Relationship with Money – All of us have a story that creates the meaning of money for us. Some grew up believing that money is evil or dirty. Others grew up in scarcity and have a scarcity mindset. Some spend all they have and carry a windfall fantasy that what they need will show up when they need it.
Getting a Grip on Your Relationship with Money
Understanding the root cause of your relationship with money is the first step in becoming generous and enjoying the benefits of generosity. Discovering where your beliefs about money began is the first step in addressing it. For some it will be related to how they experienced their parents’ relationship with money, while others may identify a financial tragedy that has driven their relationship with money. Clarity around the source empowers you to confront it and address any ways it may be holding you back now.
Once you have better clarity around the origins of your relationship with money, you will begin to practice healthier habits, including generosity.
- Practice Mindful Generosity: Mindful generosity means giving thoughtful consideration to the impact of your actions. Before saying yes, ask yourself whether the act of giving aligns with your values and if you can sustain it without causing harm to yourself. Check with yourself about whether your generosity to the recipient is in line with your values and purpose. Mindful generosity allows you to give with intention and authenticity.
- Seek Support: If the burden of generosity becomes too heavy, don’t hesitate to seek support from a therapist, pastor, coach, or other trusted advisor. Discuss your feelings openly and honestly, allowing others to understand your perspective and provide guidance.
- Gain New Knowledge: Take the time to educate yourself on the various ways to be generous. This could involve financial planning, emotional intelligence training, or time management skills. The more informed you are, the better equipped you’ll be to navigate the complexities of generosity.
- Shift Your Perspective: Instead of viewing generosity as a potential loss, consider it as an investment in relationships, personal growth, and community. Revisit the scientific benefits of generosity to you and those around you. Shifting the mindset from fear of loss to anticipation of gain can make the act of giving less intimidating.
Start Small
If you have been hurt by the messages of shaming generosity in the past – the messages that tell you the only way you matter is if you give financially or that if you don’t give (or do not give more), you are selfish – stepping into generosity can feel scary. Begin with small acts of generosity that feel manageable. Whether it is a small financial contribution, sharing a personal story, or dedicating a brief amount of volunteer time, taking gradual steps allows you to build confidence and ease into the practice of giving.
Help with Your Relationship with Money
If you are looking to explore and address blocks in your relationship with money, consider attending a Crucible men’s or women’s weekend. This transformative experience provides a supportive environment to delve into various facets of life, including your money relationship, emotional well-being, and time management. By participating in our retreat, you will discover new wells of peace and freedom, breaking through barriers that may be hindering your ability to give and receive.
If you do not feel ready yet for a weekend or if you have already attended and are part of our community, you can still start to practice some of these concepts now. Crucible relies on the generosity of individuals like you to continue its transformative work. If you have found value in the insights shared here and believe in the power of radical honesty and radical grace, we would be honored for your generosity to impact men and women in the world through Crucible. Your support will enable more individuals to embark on a journey of self-discovery, unlocking new possibilities for a more open-hearted and generous life. Discover the number of ways to donate and make a difference today.