How to Change Your Life

Looking to hit the reset button? Tired of getting the same results? Want to move from where you are to where you want to be? Here are some helpful ideas from Roy Wooten’s book, Unstuck: 7 steps to Break Free and Live Courageously.

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Step 1: Focus on who are you are.

What if instead of making resolutions, you begin with radically focusing on being who God uniquely made you to be at your core? What if you build on the foundation of the person God made—your true self—and stepped away from striving to be a cardboard cut-out made in the image of what others (or even you) think you should be?

A great place to start is with an intentional effort to give yourself grace and compassion for past mistakes. That will help you come out of the shadows of wearing masks in front of others and instead discover and live from your true self. Begin by being true to who God made you to be. Be kind to the part of you that tried so hard to be accepted by others (and maybe even God). Live from the place of knowing you are already acceptable because God says so—even if nobody else says so.

Most of us have an internal chatter we’re not even aware of. When we stop to listen to it, we discover it’s really quite critical—and blatantly unbiblical. We hear a string of judgments like, “I’m not good enough, I’m a mistake, I don’t matter, I’m unlovable, I’m broken, I’m defective, I am not valuable”. Is it any wonder with that playing incessantly in the background we are discouraged…and stay stuck?

Yet what does God say is true about you? It’s not a mystery—His Word is clear. Read what is there, and repeat it out loud to yourself. Embrace it as the core of your identity:

I am created in God’s image (Genesis 1:27)
I am God’s handiwork (Ephesians 2:10)
I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
I am redeemed (Ephesians 1:7)
I am justified (Romans 5:1)
I am free from condemnation (Romans 8:1-2)
I have been given a new heart that is good, not evil, and a new spirit has been put in me (Ezekiel 36:26-27)
I am blessed by God (Genesis 1:28)
I am crowned with glory and honor (Psalm 8:5)
I am holy and blameless in his sight (Ephesians 1:4)
I am loved (Colossians 3:12)
I am called (Revelation 17:14)
I am chosen (John 15:16)
God has a plan for me (Jeremiah 29:11)
I am a child of light (Ephesians 5:8)
I am a child of God (John 1:12; Romans 8:16; 1 John

Action Step

Let’s get practical. A great place to begin is to take a few moments to imagine—or better yet, write out—in detail how your life would be different if you were to live every moment of every day from a place of wellness and belonging. Paint the picture of life based on God being delighted in you. No more striving to be accepted, just an overflow coming from the fullness of embracing all he says is true. Instead of frantically seeking approval and wanting others to validate you, imagine the power and productivity that would result from acting out of the core beliefs that his Word teaches are the unshakable bedrock of our identity.

Who you are not what you need to do is the place to begin. But only you can redirect your mind—nobody can think your thoughts for you. You alone do that. It has to start “in here” not “out there.” Imagine the reality God made possible in your soul and take every thought captive!

Step Two: Don’t Do Life Alone

At the Crucible Project, we believe that God uses community to heal. God never intended for us to do life alone. We need a group of people to do life with. Everyone needs a safe space where their whole self is welcomed without judgement. To meet that need, the Crucible Project holds retreats, groups and provides life-coaches “to ignite Christ-like change in men and women through experiences of radical honesty and grace.”

According to one report, people who were connected in such an environment had strengthened immune systems, quicker health recovery, lengthened lifespans, lower levels of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, greater empathy along with more trust and cooperation.

Staying in isolation may feel familiar, but it is costing you. There is a different price you pay to move out of isolation into connection: you will have to confront your fear and step out of your comfort zone. But the benefits you get from connecting will be worth the risk of taking off your mask and facing your fear of rejection or judgment.

One of the built-in needs God’s placed in our hearts is a longing to be fully seen and fully accepted. True connection can only take place between people who are willing to unmask. We have to come out of hiding and become courageously vulnerable with each other.

Awareness of our emotions opens up a channel for God to give us all the gifts they were meant to provide. We must feel our feelings in order to learn what they might teach us. When we are fully aware of our emotions, we don’t have to be ruled by them. We can make choices on purpose—intentionally—instead of reacting. That allows us to move toward becoming more like Jesus.

Awareness of feelings leads to awareness of the choices we’re making, which in turn helps us see the consequences of our actions. This knowledge allows us to connect better with those we love. It gives us opportunities to engage with our family, friends, workplace, church, and community from our mature center instead of our immature and emotion-driven self.

Action Step

Making these improvements requires training and practice. We don’t just “decide” to live this way. Becoming more real and dealing more effectively with our emotions is a skill. We need support from others to get better at it. We also need models: not perfect people, but those who are further down the road, who can guide us to our next steps.

That is why leaders in the Crucible Project have spent 20 years developing and testing our now proven methods for growth. Our transformational retreats, small groups, and coaching provide men and women opportunities for living powerful, free and congruent lives. Find a Mentor or Coach at Crucible.

Step 3: Take Responsibility

The news these days is filled with a variety of upsetting stories: wars and threats of wars, natural disasters, murders, earthquakes, along with ever-increasing political and social divisiveness. Add to that the frequent unexpected life-stressors: the loss of a friend or loved one, financial pressures, career/job/school challenges, relationship struggles, and conflict in the neighborhood or church. It can all feel overwhelming. What do you do when you feel overwhelmed?

Humans, even Christ-followers, tend to respond to being overwhelmed in predictable ways.

Get Big – We power up and attempt to take control over anything we can. This can look like “throwing a fit”, becoming verbally or physically aggressive, or going off on someone. We do this in person, online, in traffic, behind someone’s back and in multiple other ways.
Isolate – We withdraw from being around others and isolate ourselves. We might think we’re seeking solitude—which is typically a good thing—but in fact, we’re shirking our responsibilities. This might look like taking too much time away from work, not attending church, avoiding certain relationships, staying in bed all day, or not responding to calls or texts from those depending on us.
Numb Out – We attempt to stop the feeling of being overwhelmed by simply dulling all our feelings. We abuse alcohol or other drugs, engage in sexual activities that distract us from pain, binge eat or watch TV to stuff our feelings, or just sleep a lot. Sometimes, our numbing looks much more acceptable, like extreme workouts, or excessive cleaning, or diving deep into a hobby or work rather than actually feel our fear or sadness.

What is Your Avoidance Pattern?

Each one of us tends to respond in a predictable way to feeling overwhelmed. Researchers tell us that our response patterns are set early in life during childhood. When we experienced an overwhelming situation, we tried one or more of the three responses noted above and the one that worked best became our “go-to” strategy. What somehow gave us a measure of relief as a child may have worked back then, but now we’re adults. We usually find those patterns from long ago have outlived their usefulness. In fact, if we’re honest, our old ways may actually be costing us with more relationship problems, career challenges, legal issues, or poor health.

What has been is gone. What is coming is not here. Our imperfect understanding of the future can create even more anxiety. But if we’re open, it is exactly in the “between” times that God can get our attention and do something transformational in us. If we take responsibility for our life, God stands ready to walk with us into a better tomorrow.

In How to Lead When You Don’t know Where You’re Going, Susan Beaumont challenges us to consider a kind of surrender that is not passive, but is a great alternative to our constant fruitless striving. She points out that when we fight the reality of any given moment, we may be striving in an unproductive way. Such frenzied thinking and activity, always trying to be somewhere in the future instead of in the present is costly to us—and costs others in our lives. We end up spending huge amounts of time and energy that don’t pay off, resulting in high levels of fear, sadness or anger.

Action Step

Invite Christ into your “between” season. Pray for Him to use your “between” time to reveal anxious thoughts that weigh you down and barriers that hold you back. Open yourself to whatever work He may want to do within you.
Courageously look in the mirror. Take a deep dive into what is driving you, how life is working (or not working) for you. Notice where you find yourself doing things that are not really you. Acknowledge the ways you numb out and hide or where you shrink back and withdraw. Be prepared to face the unpleasant reality that you might not like what you see.
Do life with others. God never meant for us to walk alone. Isolation makes us easy targets for the evil one. Find other people also on a journey of growth, who help you create a safe place where everyone can be real with one another.
Find a trustworthy guide. The Crucible Project has trained soul care veterans who have been where you are. Our leaders and coaches have benefitted from our twenty years of deep transformation experiences.

Step Four: Get Clear on What You Want

God built us with the capacity and need to dream. He actually invites us not to copy others, but to look deep within ourselves to find the seeds that are meant to grow into the life we want. In Psalm 37:4, God promises, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Not somebody else’s dream for you—your dream for you. If your heart was full of wicked things, why would God want to give you the desires that reside there?

Proverbs 4:23 says, “Guard over your heart for from it flow the springs of life.” God put the springs of life in you, and you need to protect (guard) your deepest desires and longings. You also need to know what those desires are. You have to let yourself dream again to allow them to bubble up—that’s one way you access your God-given “living waters”.

Dreaming again requires us to be still; to let ourselves be quiet long enough to listen to our soul. We must ask ourselves questions, then pause for the answers to come to us: How do I want to live my life? What kind of people do I want to do life with? What is my unique design and how does God want me to be a gift to the world?

It may actually feel frightening to have to admit: we reap what we sow. If we plant nothing, nothing grows. But if we diligently sow and cultivate what we’ve planted, we will receive a harvest as God blesses us.

Our God-given destiny requires acting on our God-given capacity to participle in His plan. We must “do something” to improve our lives and get unstuck. He won’t read our Bibles for us; he won’t do acts of kindness we are supposed to do; and He won’t give us our dreams if we sit around passively “craving” like the sluggard without acting. Our choices, moment by moment, are moving us either farther away or closer toward our dreams. Our powerful God made us in His image—we are that powerful!

We find it helpful to assess how we’re doing in eight dimensions of our lives to make sure we’re not overlooking something important. Those areas are:

emotional
physical
spiritual
relationships with family
friendships
finances
career
recreation

Honest assessment of ALL areas of life will help you see yourself holistically. Then you can isolate the areas most in need of work. As noted above, you may have to deal with two or even three issues in tandem if you want to make progress in any one of them.

A Crucible Project coach will help you accurately do this self-assessment. You will receive individualized recommendations for resources to help you move toward your goals. As you work on any one area (or several areas), you can check back in with your coach to measure your progress and get encouragement that helps sustain you on the tough but rewarding journey ahead.

Step Five: Step Into Accountability

In the soul work we do through the Crucible Project, we believe that as long as you don’t take responsibility for being the one who must make your life better, you end up living as a victim. In that state of mind, you can’t make the changes you need because you are waiting for someone else to be strong. You give away your power instead of using it. You end up making others accountable, instead of owning your contributions to what is—and, more important, what is going to be.

We believe that even if something is done to us that wasn’t our fault, we can take responsibility to get what we want. We may not be able to control someone else’s actions, but we can and must control our reactions. Taking responsibility for “what happens next” helps us be accountable. Accountability is taking full responsibility for our choices and their consequences. Sometimes, the things we do produce the effects we want. Other times, unintended things happen. We believe we must be accountable for all that happens as a result of our actions.

There are many things beyond our control—but when we take responsibility we regain our agency for what is in our domain. Living with accountability leads to a life with more power to influence our lives.

In his book The One Thing, Gary Keller writes, “Taking complete ownership of your outcomes by holding no one but yourself responsible for them is the most powerful thing you can do to drive your success…Accountable people absorb setbacks and keep going…[they] persevere through problems…” Every day we choose one approach or the other, and the consequences follow us forever.

The tools we use in the Crucible Project—especially our Soul Groups—have enabled people to find remarkable success moving from victim-mode to being accountable and taking responsibility. If you desire to stay on track with your goals regardless of what life throws at you, we believe you need to be accountable. To do that over the long haul, you will need encouragement and support.

Step Six: Break Free from Shame

Holding on to a dark secret is costly. It drains us physically and leads to fatigue. Carrying secrets for a long time contributes to low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and health problems.

We are torn. We want freedom but know it will come at a cost. One study concluded, “…[we] want to confide and get the secret off our chests, but we also want to protect ourselves and our relationships. That conflict is what wears us down.”

Shame is a liar. And like all liars, it’s power is broken by truth. Shame lives in the shadows, and like all shadow creatures, it cannot withstand light. The antidote for the shameful struggles we wrestle with is to speak those struggles out loud to safe people.

James 5:16a (NIV) says, “…confess your sins to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Note the surprising encouragement to tell others about our sins, not just God. Just as confession to others (and God) brings healing from sin, confession to others (and God) helps heal our shame.

We can admit the shame, own the shame and paradoxically get rid of the shame through the single act of sharing the shame. Safe people to whom we reveal what we have been hiding then become God’s agents of grace. Shame loses its grip as others enter into the space between us and the choke-hold shame has on us.

This act of sharing what weighs us down is not a one-and-done event. Freedom exists as we continually update others on any and every ongoing struggle (in true community, they do the same with us). This kind of openness becomes a lifestyle—and leads us to experience God’s Kingdom in ways we may have been missing.

Being vulnerable isn’t weakness—it actually requires courage to be real. And taking this brave step releases the effects of shame.

Vulnerability = Freedom!

Why is courage needed? Most of us hide—carry secrets—because we want to protect ourselves from the rejection we fear. We must overcome the discomfort that we imagine will follow such disclosure. In truth, opening up usually leads to a sense of relief. That’s not always the case, but it’s still the right thing to do.

Who we share with is important. You cannot just walk into a room, grab the first person you find and start opening up about your inner struggles. There are risks involved and we must understand the potential downside of choosing the wrong person—someone who isn’t a good listener, or who makes light of our problem, or who tries to fix, or worst of all, betrays confidentiality.

Do your due diligence before you take this important step—not everyone can support you well. Sometimes it is good to invest in a professional therapeutic relationship where confidentiality and support are ethically (and legally) demanded.

Step Seven: Join a Soul Group

While a variety of mutual support groups have been around for a long time, over 7,000 men and women have found that the unique processes and leadership provided within the Crucible Project programs have been a catalyst for transformation in their lives.

Among our various offerings are small groups: what we call, Soul Groups. These gatherings are led by Crucible Project trained leaders and use proven Crucible Project processes and curriculum. Many within our community credit their participation in a Soul Group as the most life-transforming work they have ever done.

One recent group member reported, “I have been a part of church small groups, accountability groups and CEO round tables, but nothing has come close to the progress I experienced through my Crucible Soul Group.”

You might be asking yourself, Why should I join a Soul Group? Consider the following benefits…

Be Seen and Heard — Joining a Soul Group will provide a regular space for you to share what is going on in your life. Every meeting, your heart will be seen and you will be accepted just as you are.

Get Support in Tough Times — When you are working on yourself, things almost always get harder before they get better. Working in a Soul Group with people you trust gives you the support you need most when things seem the worst.

Exchange Denial for Honesty — You can’t change what you don’t see. It often takes others to help us discover our blind spots. Others can also help us peel back layers of denial that keep us pretending things are better than they are. In a Soul Group, you will have the opportunity to not only get honest feedback about how you are being experienced, you will receive grace-filled support to help you break through the barriers that are contributing to your being stuck.

Discover Healthy Relationships — Many of us grew up in dysfunctional homes; we don’t even know what trusting, healthy relationships look like. In a Soul Group, Crucible Project leaders provide structure and processes to help you learn what those relationships are like and how to foster them. The training you get in your group will help you positively impact other relationships in your life as well.

Realize Your Growth — In the middle of a journey of transformation, it is often difficult to see progress. We often feel like all the work we’re doing isn’t paying off. It may also be that those closest to us—who have borne the brunt of our sharp edges—find it hard to trust that the work we’re doing is making substantial and lasting change. But those in your Soul Group can see the changes you make and will help you celebrate and encourage even the slightest movement in the right direction.

Grow in Your Relationship with God — In a Soul Group, you will likely discover things about you that are getting in the way of your relationship with God. Those barriers are often less obvious than the behaviors and patterns everyone sees. In your Soul Group you can work on those unseen problems while you also make changes in the things that you and everyone around you are aware of.

Support and Serve Others — Growth in community is rarely a one-way process. We can’t just be takers; we need to be givers as well. We often discover surprising growth happens in us when we help others deal with the problems they are facing. Being a part of a Soul Group gives you opportunities to both give and receive support and encouragement.

Take What You Learn to Your Home, Church and Work — Gains made in your Soul Group diffuse throughout all your relational world. Any time you experience transformational growth, you acquire new tools to also connect with your family, support your local church community and improve your team at work.