Why you should stop asking "Why?"


In my workshops and coaching, people often ask me, “but why am I this way?”

  • “Why am I shy with the people I’m attracted to?”
  • “Why do I have a hard time feeling love and support?”
  • “Why do I have difficulty making decisions?”
  • “Why do I have a hard time setting boundaries with people?”

… And so on. It boils down to this question: “Why do I have this repeating behavior pattern that I don’t like?” Which, put even more simply, is really the question: “What’s wrong with me?

But “barking up the tree” of “why” is a waste of time. We think that understanding the reason we behave the way we do will naturally lead to solutions for those troubling behaviors. But usually it doesn’t.

In fact, pursuing “why” can even lock in the problem behavior. We end up using our reasons “why” we are like this as reasons we can’t change.

Let me put the “why” question to rest for you: The reason you are the way you are — the reason you’ve taken on the behaviors, beliefs and limitations you’ve taken on — is because those behaviors were the best ways to navigate whatever difficulties you faced in your childhood.

We could do an emotional process to show you this, but we don’t need to. It is so. You took on the behaviors you needed to take on, in order to make it through your childhood. And it worked. Those behaviors and beliefs may be out of date now. They may cause trouble, and may need to be updated.

But you don’t have to spend your time worrying about “why?”

You can stop asking, “Why do I do the things I do?”

You can stop asking, “What’s wrong with me?”

Because there’s nothing wrong with you. You may need to update old coping strategies … but you don’t need to keep asking “why.”

By Dmitri Bilgere

Dmitri is a coach, Crucible Project leader and author of “Gateways to God: Remove Your Roadblocks and Live His Love,” which is downloadable free for a limited time at http://GatewaystoGod.com