Archive: Men’s Ministry

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Reporting Out

June 2024

We are grateful for God’s favor as the first half of the calendar year closes with the best attendance since the pandemic.

Be in prayer for the second half.

Connecticut hosted a successful second-level retreat, Sexuality.

As some of you take a break from groups, etc, stay in touch with other Redwoods and men in general. For some, break is both good and challenging.

In this interim, here is a thought to consider:

Consequences often do not have term limits…

I just want to begin by saying that I am pretty impressed with my current Preaching Pastor. He has not attended a retreat, but he walks through life with transparency and a growth mindset. He is working on his soul in order to be as “real” as possible.

He just began a series on our mission as a Church body. He reviewed some history in Church and how we arrived our current state in the western Church.

As he referenced the Fall and how God’s perfect creation was broken by mankind, I began to consider how consequences often have no term limits.

We live in a fast-paced world where most conveniences are readily available within minutes to a day or two. We can talk with someone on the other side of the world in real-time 24/7. Our technology is instant (which still isn’t fast enough for an impatient man like me). Added to this instant conditioning is what Neil Postman labeled a “Now this…” mentality (from his book Amusing Ourselves to Death ); as a whole, we do not take time to process troubling issues before moving on to the next scenario in life. Much like hearing about a tragic event in the news and moving on to the next story 20 seconds later prompted by, “Now this…”. We have now moved on to the next news story.

Combine all of the above, and it is no wonder the bulk of society does not consider consequences of actions. And even when one does, he often behaves in a “Now this…” way not realizing the lasting effects.

Think about it. Today, we as humans are still reaping the consequences for Adam and Eve’s choice to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Is God punishing us? No! Humans set in motion what we currently reap. We live in a world that just does not comprehend the Fall and the long-term consequences. Furthermore, we read story after story in the Old Testament full of choices and long-term consequences. Abraham, Jacob, Moses, David – the list goes on. The timeframe of these ongoing consequences cannot be diminished.

A reality check: we are small in this timeline. Yet we reap portions of these consequences.

Think about your own life. There are choices which have short-lived consequences, and there are other choices where you are still dealing with those consequences. And often, I bet you want to be blind, selfish, and/or defensive when faced again with these consequences.

How are you feeling so far? What a pick me up, right?

I thank God for three things as I wrestle with this concept:

1. Grace – Mankind may have messed up, but God’s grace foils the gap.
2. Jesus – He is the ultimate avenue of God’s grace and the model of how to make choices differently.
3. Crucible Project – Our work and other opportunities allow me to take a hard look at my own choices and their consequences. Furthermore, I can take ownership and decide to make new choices.

This summer, as we somewhat break from retreats and some of your groups take a break, spend some time looking at your choices. Recognize that some consequences do not have term limits. Most of all, look at where you can call on God’s grace and Jesus to help you navigate the consequences with new choices and a different walk.

Tips and Tricks

Meet up with one man from your faith community you do not know. Listen to his story. Share how you relate and how you may have walked down a similar path. Use what you learned about yourself as an encouragement.

Upcoming Retreats

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.

• July 12-14 Houston – Initial
• August 2-4 Houston – Initial (Spanish Speaking)

Finally

Remember, what you perceive you need from others can never truly fulfill you. Let God take of you, and you take care of the little boy’s heart inside you.

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Reporting Out

May 2024

We are closing out the first half of our retreat year. Attendee numbers are trending up as men are beginning to step into their power as a true man of God.

Colorado has boasted 2 full retreats, Chicago had a 2-carpet retreat in March, Tulsa held their first 2-carpet retreat since before the pandemic, DFW (Dallas/Ft Worth) held their first 2 carpet retreat, Mexico is flourishing with full initial and second-level retreats, Maryland held a full retreat, North Carolina is growing a community with small retreat and a bright future, Connecticut continues to hold their regular retreats, Australia has held retreats with more numbers as well. I am sure I am leaving out some other communities. The good news we are seeing more men say” yes.”

In Kenya, a team consisting of Chris Cleghorn, Judson Poling, Dan Ripple, Jeremey Ellis, and the Kenyan leaders led 20 men attending the May initial retreat. The next weekend a team consisting of Judson Poling, Chris Cleghorn, Dan Ripple, Jeremey Ellis, Bill King, and myself led 29 men attending Leadership Darkside. This September, the Kenyan brothers will host another initial retreat followed by the Mission second-level retreat the next weekend. We are already building a team to offer Mission in Kenya. We need at least 10 men. If you are interested, reach out to me.

Initial Retreat Kenya 2024

Leadership Darkside Kenya 2024

It is wonderful to be able to report such growth and know that we have served men in their darkest places. Thank you for your prayers and support.

Summer Camps Lull in June and July

As is usually the case, our retreat schedule slows quite a bit over the next couple of months. June and July marks summer break for kids and youth camps take most of the venues we use.

In June, Connecticut will host Sexuality and in July, Houston will host an initial retreat.

What do we do in the meantime?

• If you vacation during this time period, then enjoy your time God has granted.
• Keep recruiting. Our relationships are the key to men attending.
• If your group still meets, keep going. If you take a break, at least check in on your members from time to time.
• Staff meetings for August and September will still occur.

Tips and Tricks

When you are not sure whether or not a man is ready to receive your ask about attending a retreat, pray for him and pay attention. You’ll be surprised what opportunity will present itself.

Upcoming Retreats

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.

• June 6-9 Connecticut – Sexuality
• July 12-14 Houston – Initial
• August 2-4 St. Louis – Initial
• August 2-4 Houston – Initial (Spanish Speaking)

Finally

Please be in prayer for the ministry for the next 2 months. They are the most challenging as we wait for retreats to start again.

Byron Myers

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Reporting Out

April 2024

March in the Dallas Fort Worth metroplex hosted the first 2-carpet retreat since starting a year ago.

Mexico hosted a full Leadership Joy retreat in early April. Roy Wooten joined the staff and noted that the Mexico community is one of the “most mature” communities we have. Good things are happening there. Thanks go out to Matthew Reed, Chadd Schroeder, James Henderson, Abel Pichardo, and Alex Videgaray for the hard work in growing this community.

The Urban community in Chicago hosted a retreat with 23 men and over 30 staff. Bringing this soul work to the men in the city is such a powerful ministry.

New staffing opportunities are coming open for July and August. Sign up.

Kenya in May:

The Kenyan community will be offering an initial retreat May 3-5, followed by the second-level retreat, Leadership Darkside May 10-12.

Judson Poling and Chris Cleghorn will be leading these alongside the Kenyan leaders. We will have a team of 6 US men going over to help staff the Leadership retreat.

Prayers and financial support are appreciated.  If you want to donate toward this effort, you can go to our Redwoods page and click the DONATE button. Type in “Kenya” in the memo line. Any funds donated beyond the immediate need will be used to support the ongoing work in Kenya, including operational support.

Tips and Tricks

Inviting men to retreats can be difficult. We have such a vast number of experiences out of the retreat to brag about, it can be daunting to point out what he can receive.

Try asking him if he is living as his best version of himself. Is he living as the man God made him to be?

Then poke around the answers from there. Offer that we give him opportunities and tools to walk as that man.

Upcoming Retreats

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.

• April 19-21 Houston – Initial
• April 19-21 North Carolina - Initial
• April 26-28 Tulsa – Initial
• May 3-5 Maryland (in Virginia) – Initial
• May 3-5 Chicago – Initial
• May 3-5 Mexico – Initial
• May 3-5 Kenya – Initial
• May 10-12 Kenya – Leadership Darkside
• May 17-19 Colorado – Initial
• May 17-19 Connecticut - Initial

Finally

Long time leader Judson Poling pointed out recently that Accountability is less about how our Christian, Church culture points out the wrong and asks to make it right.

Accountability is about living in the grey.  It’s about managing choices and the decisions to move forward.

Byron Myers

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Reporting Out

March 2024

Colorado has been working hard to renew engagement by the Redwoods. It has paid off.

Their recent initial retreat was a 3-carpet retreat with 35 men. And in February they held Mission with 44 men and 23 staff. Well done!

Chicago held a strong 2-carpet retreat in early March.

Keep up the invites men. There are men who need this work for their souls.

Group Leaders Needed (Especially Online)

We are still looking for online growth group leaders. If you are already certified as a growth group leader, would you consider leading an online group? Have you been interested in becoming a group leader? We plan to offer a training for soon.

If you have interest in being a group leader, then please reach out.  Don’t hesitate to reach out Byron Myers if you have any questions.

Tips and Tricks

When an invitee says, “This is too expensive,” one response could be, ”Overall, the retreat turns out to be about $50 a month. Most people spend more than that on entertainment or coffee monthly. This experience is life changing and worth way more than the actual cost.”

Or as one staff man who will be leading a group said in our recent Goals and Transition time, “You have spent way more than this on stupid stuff.” Read your relationship before using this last quote.

Upcoming Retreats

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.

• March 22-24 Dallas/Ft. Worth - Initial
• April 5-7 Mexico – Leadership Joy
• April 12-14 Houston – Initial
• April 12-14 Chicago Urban – Initial
• April 19-21 Houston – Initial
• April 19-21 North Carolina – Initial
• April 26-28 Tulsa – Initial

Finally

We underestimate the power of our position as a leader. Just one poor interaction has the ability to “crush” someone.

Byron Myers

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Reporting Out

February 2024

The year has started off well. Colorado hosted their first 3-carpet retreat for some time now. 35 men stepped into facing the fire and finding their gold.

TX held Leadership Darkside and 2 weeks later West TX held an 18 man, 2-carpet retreat. This group was larger before 1 staff member and 3 participants were hit by the flu.

Chicago held a 2-carpet Leadership Joy retreat. The trend is going up for men who are wanting to step into deep soul work for the first time since the pandemic.

Good things are happening.

Which retreats will you staff? I hope to see you out there.

Group Leaders Needed (Especially Online)

We are looking for online growth group leaders. If you are already certified as a growth group leader, would you consider leading an online group? Have you been interested in becoming a group leader? We can set up a training for you.

If you have interest in being a group leader, then please reach out. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.

Tips and Tricks

When an invitee says, “This is too expensive.” One response could be…” Overall, the retreat turns out to be about $50 a month. Most people spend more than that on entertainment or coffee monthly. This experience is life changing and worth way more than the actual cost.”

Or as one staff man who will be leading a group said in our recent Goals and Transition time, “You have spent way more than this on stupid stuff.” Read your relationship before using this last quote.

Upcoming Retreats

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.

• February 23-25 Houston – Initial (Spanish Speaking)
• March 1-3 Chicago – Initial
• March 1-3 Colorado – Mission
• March 22-24 Dallas/Ft. Worth - Initial

Finally

Following Christ requires both a struggle and dedication. One without the other puts us out of balance.

Byron Myers

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Reporting Out

January 2024

2024 is already upon us and retreat staffs are being formed. Participants for January and February retreats are already signing up. Let’s pray that we are able to reach even more men and offer a chance for them to be the men God made them to be in furthering His Kingdom.

It’s getting busy fast. Leadership: Taming the Darkside is occurring as this newsletter goes out. Next weekend, Colorado will be running a 3-carpet retreat. The following weekend after Colorado, West Texas hosts a 2-carpet retreat.

Our new Men’s Assistant, Dan Ripple has been working hard to systemize our groups. Stay tuned, he may be reaching out to you.

Good things are happening.

Which retreats will you staff?  I hope to see you out there.

2-Year Program

Have you thought about joining the 2-year program? Maybe you considered but have put it off, didn’t have the funds at the time, didn’t have the time, etc.

Is it time for you to take a deeper dive into the work begun on your initial retreat?

Here is a quick summary of the program:

This is our premiere growth opportunity. It is a big commitment with even bigger rewards. It has three components:

1. SOUL GROUP — You’ll be part of a Two-Year Soul Group with a band of brothers who are also committed to maximize their personal growth in the Two-Year Program.
2. COACHING — You’ll have a once-a-month individual coaching call to plan and set goals; you’ll also be able to process issues that affect your growth in an individualized way.
3. RETREATS — You’ll attend four Second-Level Retreats, one approximately every six months, addressing the core issues that affect men who want to make a difference with their lives: Mission/Life Purpose, Sexuality, The Dark Side of Leadership, and Leadership Gold

You can begin this group at select times during the year and you’ll be part of a cohort that starts and completes the program with you.

• 90-minute meetings
• Meets three times a month (one week off each month)
• Meeting Process: Check-ins followed by bidding for work; one or two men each meeting (as time permits) are led through a carpet process by a trained and certified leader (or leader in training)
• Monthly individual coaching call with trained leader (50 minutes each month)
• Four Second-Level experiential retreats spread out over the two years that you attend with the men in your group
• Monthly payments cover everything and include a 10% discount for the four retreats—no further payments are needed when you attend each retreat
• Cost: $325/month

If you have interest in beginning this great program, then please reach out. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.

Tips and Tricks

When you have invited a man to attend a retreat and he has either kindly refused or just cannot attend this particular retreat, ask him if he would be a part of your prayer team, praying for you as you staff.

Upcoming Retreats

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats and trainings. If you have someone you have been recruiting and you see his possible opportunity in one of these dates, make the ask.

• January 12-13, 2024: Intro to Facilitation Training | Colorado
• January 19-21, 2024: Leadership: Dark Side | Brownwood, TX
• January 26-28, 2024: Initial Weekend | Como, CO
• February 2-4, 2024: Leadership: Joy | St. Charles, IL
• February 2-4, 2024: Initial Weekend | Brownwood, TX
• February 23-25, 2024: Initial Weekend (Spanish Speaking) | Houston, TX
• March 1-3, 2024: Initial Weekend | St. Charles, IL
• March 1-3, 2024: Mission Weekend | Como, CO (41 men signed up!!)

Remember to pay attention to the website for staffing opportunities and deadlines. The early 2024 dates are out.

Final Note

Who do you need to reach out to this year? Has someone come onto your heart that you have not talked to in a while? I invite you to give him a call.

Blessings,

Byron

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Reporting Out

As we begin to close the year of 2023, let us stop and thank God for putting this work in our path.

The retreat year finished strong with full to near-full retreats in Mexico, Wyoming and Houston.

2024 is already upon us and retreat staffs are being formed. Participants for January and February retreats are already signing up. Let’s pray that we are able to reach even more men and offer a chance for them to be the men God made them to be in furthering His Kingdom.

Which retreats will you staff?  I hope to see you out there.

Engaging in Groups

How will you engage in 2024?

If you have not attended a group or it has been a while, then feel this call to engage.

You may want to lead a group. Here are the various groups offered. Pay attention to the titles and descriptions. There is often confusion as to what groups there are:

• Growth Groups – These are fee-based, curriculum-based groups. They require a certified leader. These usually follow a retreat for new initiates but is not limited to those men. We have found that even repeating this curriculum has been helpful to so many as our life is dynamic and not static. The first round of this type of group is 15 weeks long. We have a “2.0” of this type of group that is 18 weeks long. If you are interested in leading, shoot me an email.
• Journey Groups – These groups are free. These are self-led or a rotating leadership group. Any Redwood can request the materials for this type of group. The toolbox for Journey groups has over 50 exercises to choose from. Often times these groups form post 2-year program or post Growth Group. If you are interested in leading one of these, then reach out to Brittany Duke. You will need to sign a couple of forms and she will send you the Dropbox of materials.
• Exploration Groups – These are free. These are open for any Redwood to lead. Like the Journey Group, there is material available for this type of group. This is an outward facing group. This is one of the best ways to share this work with men who have not attended a retreat. The exercises are designed to be lighter in nature yet still experiential for the non-Redwood. Many communities have offered these groups with great success. Some of you attended your weekend based on being in an Exploration Group. The material can be used a structured as you feel your group needs. I highly recommend you start one of these with the men you know from your Church. If you are interested in leading one of these, then reach out to Brittany Duke. You will need to sign a couple of forms and she will send you the Dropbox of materials.

We offer the 2-year program year-round.  You may have been in this work a while and wonder if you missed out on the 2-year program.  It is never too late. Email me if you have interest.

I pray you are able to get involved somewhere.  Your world needs the best version of you!

Don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.

Tips and Tricks

Don’t give up!  I am sure many of you have been inviting men since you first experienced this work.

Don’t be discouraged.  Our role in helping men be better is one of patience and grace.

• Continue in becoming the you God called you to be.
• Listen to your friends and loved ones. The opportunity to invite comes with hearing where their hearts are.
• Get help. Set up a time to visit with them and bring along a veteran Redwood.

Pray for the people you are wanting to invite.

Upcoming Retreats and Trainings

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats and trainings.  If you have someone you have been recruiting, and you see his possible opportunity in one of these dates, make the ask.

• Jan 12-13: INTRO TO FACILITATION - Colorado
• Jan 19-21 - Leadership: Dark Side - Brownwood, TX
• Jan 26-28 - Initial Weekend - Como, CO
• Feb 2-4 - Leadership: Joy - St. Charles, IL
• Feb 2-4 - Initial Weekend  - Brownwood, TX
• Feb 23-25 - Initial Weekend - Houston, TX

Remember to pay attention to the website for staffing opportunities and deadlines.  The early 2024 dates are out.

Final Note

What books will you read to better yourself this coming year?

Blessings,

Byron

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Reporting Out

As the 2023 retreat season comes to a close, let’s be thankful for what God has put in our path to step into this past year.

2024 is already in the planning phase.  Leaders and Co-Leaders are making plans for retreat they will serve.

Which retreats will you staff?  I hope to see you out there.

Tips and Tricks

Try this simple exercise around thankfulness with family over the holidays Follow or modify the following questions):

• What blocks you or keeps you from feeling thankful?
• Who is at the center of this block (99% of the time us)?
• What happened when younger to put SELF in this space?
• What does little SELF really want? Is it okay for him/her to want that?

In what ways would the little SELF look at the adult and say, “Look at all the cool things you have and…get to do!!! Look at all you can be thankful for!”?

Now, own the thankfulness. How do you take this gratitude into your world?

Continue Soul Work In 2^nd Levels

• Leadership Dark Side – Texas Jan 19-21
• Leadership Joy – Chicago Feb 2-4
• Mission Weekend – Colorado Mar 1-3
• Sexuality Weekend – Connecticut Jun 7-9
• Register

Upcoming Retreats

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats. If you have someone you have been recruiting, and you see his possible opportunity in one of these dates, make the ask.

1. • December 1 – 3, Mexico
   • December 1 – 3, Wyoming
   • December 8 – 10, Houston

Remember to pay attention to the website for staffing opportunities and deadlines. The early 2024 dates are out.

Looking for an Online 2 Year Program, let me know.

Final Note

Who amongst our Redwoods do you need to reach out and call today? Who has God placed on your heart?

Blessings,

Byron

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Reporting Out

Kenya

The Crucible project is making huge strides in Kenya. The work in Kenya began in 2017. There were connections with a large group of men in a para-Church discipleship program. Both changes in that program leadership and COVID slowed the work there.

In 2022, an opportunity to hold an initial retreat in Rwanda presented itself. Chris Cleghorn reached out to the Kenyan leadership to help staff Rwanda. Several Kenyans, at their own expense, flew into Rwanda to assist a small American team to lead the initial retreat in Rwanda. The following weekend, the bulk of the American team traveled to Kenya to hold the first second-level retreat there in the form of Leadership Joy.

Now in 2023, in April/May, a small American team worked alongside Kenyan brothers to conduct back-to-back initial retreats serving 49 men.

That brings us to September/October. A team consisting of Judson Poling (after a 5-year absence); Colorado, Byron Myers; Texas, Dennis Carter; Colorado, Samuel Carter; Colorado and Jim Coleman; Colorado worked alongside the Kenyans to offer an initial retreat serving 25 men. One cool fact was this was both Samuel’s and Jim’s first staffings.  What a cool way to experience your first-time staffing!

The next weekend, the same team, minus Jim, was joined by John Jackson; Chicago, Bob Brown; Colorado, Paul Storacci; Colorado, Terry Martin; Connecticut, and Joe Githinji; Maryland (A Kenyan who lives and works in the US. He had been the first and ONLY Kenyan to experience the Sexuality weekend) led the Sexuality second-level retreat for a bulk of key leaders in Kenya. There were 27 participants including Samuel (double cool to experience his first second-level in Kenya).

The work in Kenya continues to grow. 13 key leaders have been working through both retreat leader training and carpet training via Zoom since October of 2022.

Plans for April and September 2024 are 2 week stretches both months with the first weekend being an initial retreat and the second weekend being a second-level retreat. By the time 2024 is finished, we will have a core staff group for all four second-level retreats.

If you have any interest in the work in Kenya; thorough prayer, traveling, or financially supporting, please reach out to Byron Myers.

Tips and tricks:

We push groups over and over. And sometimes it feels like pressure to raise funds. But the bottom line, it is what truly lands what we experienced on our initial retreat.

Food for thought around this: The Kenyans have a 90% group retention rate post-retreat. And, they are filling their retreats. This is spreading the amazing tools God has given us to share.

If you are not in a group, find one!

Upcoming retreats:

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.  If you have someone you have been recruiting, and you see his possible opportunity in one of these dates, make the ask.

1. • October 20-22 Central Texas
   • October 20-22 Mexico
   • November 3-5 Chicago
   • November 3-5 Virginia
   • December 1-3 Wyoming
   • December 8-19 Houston

Remember to pay attention to the website for staffing opportunities and deadlines.

Final note:

When you experience an out of balance reaction to a situation, consider who is in charge…the little boy in you, or the adult?

Blessings,

Byron

Photo Gallery: Click the pictures below for a full-sized image.

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Reporting out

Mexico

Crucible arrived in Mexico in December 2014. Between then and April 2023, when the community held their first three-carpet weekend, over 300 new Redwoods were added to the global Crucible community. In December 2019, at the last weekend before the pandemic, ten men from the Monterrey/Saltillo area in Northern Mexico attended their initial weekend. Among them was Pedro Mederes (Saltillo), who expressed a strong desire to see Crucible hold a weekend up north. The following weekend, Sergio Mercado (Monterrey) attended and by now, both of them had staffed four weekends, in addition to being part of Intro to Facilitation trainings led by Chadd Schroeder.

In May, 2023, it was decided that September 1-3 would be the dates to hold the first weekend up north, with the leadership team consisting of Chadd as Retreat Leader, Abel Pichardo as Apprentice Retreat Leader (who decided to withdraw shortly before the weekend due to unforeseen circumstances affecting his family), James Henderson and Matthew Reed as Co-Leaders and Alex Videgaray as Apprentice Co-Leader.

While there was great interest among more veteran staff from central Mexico, the hope was there would be good momentum with men from the north. In the end, 24 participants arrived and completed their weekend, while 21 men were part of the staff. Ten of them were from the local community while the remaining either flew, or drove from other parts of Mexico. Graduation was held this past weekend (Sat, Sep 9th) and there’s great enthusiasm to continue growing the work, through staffing other initial weekends, attending second level weekends and encouraging groups as well as participation among the emerging weekends for women (which will have their inaugural weekend in January, 2024, in central Mexico).

Rejecting Passivity

Passivity is a state or quality of inaction, indifference, or non-responsiveness. It is often characterized by a lack of initiative or action resulting in undesired consequences.

Passivity is often rooted in fear, avoidance of shame, and/or a form of self-protection. Passivity is also created when we are afraid of the consequences of confession.

There are several biblical examples of passivity.

The first example is one of the obvious situations based on the story in Gen 3:12: The man said, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

Here is another example. In 1 Samuel 2:27- 36, Eli had been passive about his sons and their wicked ways. The result? The sons died, and Eli’s house would no longer serve as priests.

How about this story where the fear of the unknown enemy outside creates a passivity with unfathomable consequences. In 2 Kings 7:24-29. They feared the enemy so much that in the midst of the famine they created they even ate their young!

David was passive. In his sin with Bathsheba, he stayed home rather than lead his army. Or when Absalom began to undermine his kingdom.

The list goes on; Isaac, Lot, Moses, Abram, the disciples…

So, we see that men have been passive since the beginning of time.

A parable of Jesus about the talents or bags of gold brings to surface an example of passivity, the result and the consequences.

Consider your passivity. In what ways does it show up? Who pays the price, besides you?

What is it that drives us to passivity? Is it fear, shame, conflict avoidance, protection of your heart, a path to easier…? What are some other examples? Where are you passive?

What are some of the consequences for passivity?

• Missed opportunities
• Lack of spiritual fulfillment
• Unhealthy relationships
• Actually, creates more stress than being avoided
• Hinders your God-given gifts
• Creates a dependence on others
• It can affect your influence and impact
• Creates a passive-aggressive behavior

One of the biggest challenges for us as men is to walk in confusion, chaos and sometimes darkness. Not evil darkness, just the dark of the unknown. Jesus in the beginning, stood with God as He spoke existence out of darkness. Then God asked man to name the animals. We take part in bringing order to confusion. All of this is in partnership with Christ. We often do not know the answer or solution. Christ’s invitation is to sit in that, not passively, but walking alongside him. He knows to direction, even when you do not.

Based on this we live, passively, this way: In his book The Silence of Adam, Larry Crabb says, “(Men) face only those problems that they are pretty sure they can handle.”

This means we move away from the unknown, possible rejection, any incompetence, hard emotional scenarios, etc.

Unfortunately, passivity is like an incurable disease. However, we still can be better in moving away from our passivity.

Coaches often say, “You play like you practice.” There is truth in this statement for life. If we are practicing passivity, we will be passive more often than not.

Consider Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 7:24-27:

²⁴ “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶ But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

The key to this whole passage is two phrases: “…hears these words of mine and puts them into practice…”; “…hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice…”

Which will we choose?

Tips and tricks

When describing a retreat, I often give a man a simple concept like: I have been able to define grace for most of my Christian life. On this retreat, I was able to feel grace beyond the definition.

Upcoming retreats

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats. If you have someone you have been recruiting, and you see his possible opportunity in one of these dates, make the ask.

1. • September 22-24 – Mission – Connecticut
   • September 22-24 – Leadership Joy – Como, CO
   • September 22-24 – Minnesota
   • September 29 – October 1 – North Carolina
   • September 29 – October 1 – Kenya

Remember to pay attention to the website for staffing opportunities and deadlines.

Final note

Once fear becomes the dominant motivator, nearly everything in life becomes a problem to be solved. From the book RARE Leadership by Warner and Wilder.

Interview on Healthy Communities

Listen to this interview with James Damey regarding healthy communities.

Blessings,

Byron

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Reporting out:

We are gearing up for a couple of busy months of retreats.

August began with the Spanish speaking community in Houston offering another retreat.  By publication both Chicago and the Dallas/Ft Worth communities will have held retreats.

The sprint to the end of the year is on.

Why emotional awareness is important to manhood

As men, we have a difficult time connecting the 18 inches between head and heart. This is not a “touchy-feely” concept. We are not trying to get in touch with a feminine side of ourselves. God gave us, as men, emotions. Because we have been hurt by, or witnessed unhealthy expressions of many emotions, we have labeled them as bad or un-needed. In his book The Emotionally Healthy Church, Peter Scazzero says this:

I saw Jesus able to express his emotion with unashamed, unembarrassed freedom:

• He shed tears (Luke 19:41)
• He was filled with joy (Luke 10:21)
• He grieved (Mark 14:34)
• He was angry (Mark 3:5)
• Sadness came over him (Matthew 26:37)
• He felt compassion (Luke 7:13)
• He felt sorrow (John 11:35)
• He showed astonishment and wonder (Mark 6:6; Luke 7:9)
• He felt distress (Mark 3:5; Luke 12:50)

Jesus was anything but an emotionally frozen Messiah.

All emotion is God-given. Learning to express them healthily has not been taught well in the Church. We accept some emotions but reject others. In her Ted Talk The power of vulnerability, Bene’ Brown asserts that we cannot selectively numb our emotions. When we numb fear, we also numb excitement. When we numb anger, we also numb joy. The list goes on.

To live as a Healthy Christian Man, we must begin to live in concert with our emotions. It begins with awareness moving through practice and on into application.

Community happenings:

The Pastor’s Soul Groups will kick off on Wednesday August 23^rd.  We will meet every other week until November 29.  There will be two groups running unless we need to add a third.  One meets at 6:OOAM central and the other meets at 7:00AM central.  Please pass the word that these groups are starting to meet to your initiated Pastor friends.  Our groups for Pastors and Para church ministry leaders gives a safe place to do our work. We will now be entering our 4^th year of meeting.  Please let Andy Spell or Ryan Porter know if you are interested in the 6:00AM group or Tim Rush  or Bill Dodge   if interested in the 7:00AM group.  Looking forward to the fall groups.

Our building of a community in Africa, specifically in Kenya is ramping up.  Kenya will hold another initial retreat at the end of September.  We will be offering the Sexuality retreat the following weekend in October.  Funds are needed to offset the costs of leadership if you are willing to donate.  You can reach out to me if you need more information.

Tips and tricks:

Recruiting men to take part in this life-giving soul work is a year-round effort.  As you consider a man to attend a retreat, keep him in mind and on your prayers regularly, not just the months leading up to you next local retreat.

Upcoming retreats:

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.  If you have someone you have been recruiting, and you see his possible opportunity in one of these dates, make the ask.

1. • August 25-27 – Como, CO
   • September 8-10 – Leadership taming the darkside – Chicago
   • September 8-10 – Tulsa
   • September 15-17 – Sexuality – Houston
   • September 22-24 – Mission – Connecticut
   • September 22-24 – Leadership Joy – Como, CO
   • September 22-24 – Minnesota
   • September 29 – October 1 – North Carolina
   • September 29 – October 1 - Kenya

Final note:

Willpower alone does not help one move more into the spiritually healthy man we are called to be. It takes a deeper level of work than just know and believe.

Blessings,

Byron Myers

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Reporting out:

I hope your fourth of July holiday was good.

We had only one retreat here in June and July.  Last weekend, we held a one carpet weekend in Houston.  One of those men has already singed up to staff Tulsa in September!

The retreats begin to gear up here in August.  Be having conversations with your invitees.

Passivity and manhood

I have been asked to speak on passivity for a men’s event at my Church at the end of July.  (Prayers appreciated)

In my preparing, I ran across this quote from The Silence of Adam by Dr Larry Crabb (Thank you Jimmy Forsythe for the recommended reading).

Men are easily threatened.  And whenever a man is threatened, when he becomes uncomfortable in places within himself that he does not understand, he naturally retreats into an arena of comfort or competence, or he dominates someone or something in order to feel powerful.  Men refuse to feel the paralyzing and humbling horror of uncertainty, a horror that can drive them to trust, o horror that could release in them the power to deeply give themselves in relationship.  As a result, most men feel close to no one, especially not to God, and no one feels close to them.  Something the good in men is stopped and needs to get moving.  When good movement stops, bad movement (retreat or domination) reliably develops.

Thank God for this Crucible work that allows us to see this and do something about it.

Community happenings:

What is your community doing for the annual gathering July 22?  Hopefully, you will take time to get together in fellowship, fun, and a check in or more.  We look forward to seeing you during the video conference portion.

Tips and tricks:

Next time you feel the urge to give advice, turn it into a question and see what happens.

Upcoming retreats:

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.  If you have someone you have been recruiting, and you see his possible opportunity in one of these dates, make the ask.

1. • August 4-6 – St. Louis
   • August 4-6 – Houston – Spanish speaking
   • August 18-20 – Chicago
   • August 18-20 – Dallas/Fort Worth
   • August 25-27 – Como, CO

Leadership:

If you have questions about the various leadership tracks and opportunities, then reach out to me.

Final note:

The avoidance of shame is a gateway into narcissism.

Blessings

Byron Myers

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What's Happening...

Reporting out:

As we continue the summer “lull”, the staff team has been working several projects: shoring up protocol edits, following up with new Redwoods, working on outward-facing materials, continuing work on streamlining back-office processes, and squeezing needed vacations just to name a few.

Even though retreats are not is full swing, the work continues to prepare.  And taking a breath is also an important part of the process.

I hope you are doing two things in your life:  1) planning for your next busy stretch and 2) getting some much-needed time away.

Fundraising in the non-profit world – a layman’s view

I have often heard, “If he asks for money one more time…”  I get it.  Emotion around finances is often intense.

I hate asking for money.  A salesman, I am not.  I remember as a young boy my dad pushing my brother and I into bagging small amounts of mistletoe and urging us to go door to do in the neighborhood to sell the “product”.  I worried, even then, what people would think of me.  The idea of the answer “no” felt like deep rejection.  My stomach was in knots, I just refused to take part.

The same feeling often comes online for me when I consider asking for money in a non-profit organization.  Yet, I have worked for non-profit organizations for most of my career.  My role has always been employee who is part of the operation of the organization.  I have never been in charge of fundraising.  So, I have a tenderness for those who do as the little boy get’s scared even for them.

However, without any prompting from anyone, Roy, the board, other staff members, I wanted to bring an awareness to those who might not grasp the finances of a non-profit.  This won’t be an ask for money, but just data.  If you are going to feel energy about this subject, honestly, jump to the next topic.  I do not intend to trigger negative feelings.

I worked for a small Christian School for 30 years.  It is a fee-for-service, Christian non-profit organization.  The tuition the school charged did not cover the budget for the offerings for the students.  Very few Christian schools, if any, do.  The school had to fundraise every year in order to meet budget.  And, the teachers sacrificed by taking less pay than their counterparts in the public schools.  They did so with a heart for ministry.

Crucible is similar.  It is a fee-for-service, Christian non-profit organization.  Our weekend fees do not cover the cost of the operating budget for the offerings to our Redwoods and future Redwoods.  Therefore, we have to raise funds every year.  Crucible is also unique as we enlist a very large volunteer base to assist us in furthering this ministry.  In fact, you, as our volunteers, cover your own retreat operating costs by paying a staff fee.  And, of course, we charge participants a fee to attend.  (There are 2 camps amongst our Redwoods in an ongoing debate over; we charge too much vs. we charge too little)

The head of any non-profit organization is hired by their board to not only oversee the organization but also to ask for money.

Here are some things you might or might not know:

• All the staff, the board, and certified retreat leaders are regular donors. Beyond, donating financially, many donate their time and travel as well.
• The staff would be using their talents and making, likely up to twice their salary working in the public sector. They love this ministry and donate their talents to see God’s kingdom work move forward.
• Financial aid for participants has more than doubled in the last 3 years. We are averaging $2500 a weekend in financial aid.  With an average of 18 participants.  In 2019 we reported averaging $1000 in financial aid each weekend with an average of 24 participants.
• The cost of camps has increased.
• Our number of Redwoods is now over 6,500. Only around 300 give regularly.
• Expanding this work into Mexico and Africa requires donations.
• Here in the US, we are serving lower economic areas in our Urban and Spanish-speaking populations. Amongst the Urban, many Urban men with means (and even those who are not as fortunate) are helping make these weekends revenue neutral.
• Crucible, as an organization is holding or delaying projects that will increase our presence in the Christian Soul Work realm in order to make budget.

Giving is a choice.  When you are asked to give, you have a choice.  “No” is an acceptable answer.

It took a while for my wife and I to have the faith to tithe.  Early in our marriage, we scraped and clawed to stay out of debt and the thought of tithing felt stressful.  Eventually we became regular tithers, not to gain blessing and hope that God would move us from debt, but because we knew it was a part of God’s calling for His people.  We even gave to the school where I worked.

Fast forward, our years of hard work and maturity has us in a place where we tithe regularly in our local Church and find other ministries to donate to as well.  And there was a stretch where we felt both pressure and guilty every time a ministry asked for money.  Now, with God’s guidance, we feel good about where we say “yes” and where we say “no”.

Not everyone is in this space in life.

Please know that when Roy or a board member, or a leader makes an ask for donations, you – have – a – choice.  Crucible might be your “no” because you are at peace with where you further God’s kingdom with your resources.  Or, Crucible might be the place you were asking God to open your heart to give.

Sigh…I feel like the little boy selling mistletoe after writing this

Community happenings:

What is your community doing for the annual gathering July 22?  Hopefully, you will take time to get together in fellowship, fun, and a check in or more.  We look forward to seeing you during the video conference portion.

Tips and tricks:

What kind of listener are you?  I notice at times when I feeling a sense of insecurity, I tend to highjack a conversation by using my connecting story and steer it toward my life.  You might relate.  The intent is to let them know you connect, but it goes too far.  Try talking less and listening more.  I find that when I shorten my relatable connection by saying something like, “I had a similar experience.”  And leave my comment there, I help the other feel I relate, yet leave them to finish their story.

Try it and see how it goes.

Upcoming retreats:

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.  If you have someone you have been recruiting, and you see his possible opportunity in one of these dates, make the ask.

1. • July 7-9 - Houston
   • August 4-6 – St. Louis
   • August 4-6 – Houston – Spanish speaking
   • August 18-20 – Chicago
   • August 18-20 – Dallas/Fort Worth
   • August 25-27 – Como, CO

Leadership:

If you have questions about the various leadership tracks and opportunities, then reach out to me.

Final note:

The best gift you can give to those around you is the best God-given version of yourself.  You matter to your world!

Blessings

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Reporting out: 

A season of retreats is winding down as we head into summer. For those who may not be aware, Crucible has had a history of holding very few retreats in June and July. 

 Several factors play into this trend.  Here are two:   

• Summer is a time where many families travel as their children are out of school.  Filling retreats during this time has proven difficult; both with staff and participants. 
• Summer is when the camps we usually lease are full of youth camps and are unavailable.   

 What do we do in the short lull?   

• Consider what retreats in the late summer and early fall you will staff.  The staff applications for the August and September offerings are out or in this newsletter.   
• Build relationships with men around you.  Pay attention to those men and where they are in life.  Invite them to upcoming retreats. 
• You may break from your group for a month. 
• Spend time with your family at home and on the road.   
• Look at where you will involve yourself in your Church for the second half of the year. 
• Reach out to men who have not been engaged for some time now. 

 Please be in prayer for Crucible and the second half of the year.   

 Kenya 2023 – In 2017, Crucible, coupled with Flatirons Church in Colorado, began to offer initial retreats in Kenya.  Several Kenyan men began a journey of radical honesty and grace.  Momentum began to build through 2019. 

 COVID created a pause of 3 years.  In the meantime, the group of Kenyan men involved went through some local reorganization as well. 

 In 2022, an opportunity to offer an initial retreat in Rwanda presented itself.  Chris Cleghorn invited the Kenyan leadership to travel to Rwanda to help staff this initial, inaugural retreat.  9 Kenyans travelled to Rwanda and combined with a team from the US to offer the inaugural retreat.   

 The follow weekend, the American team of Chris Cleghorn, Paul Storaci, Jay Mountjoy, and myself travelled to Kenya to offer the Leadership Joy retreat for a number of Kenyan Redwoods.  Following the 2 weeks in Kenya, the Kenyan leadership began to offer groups for the Rwandan via video conferencing.  They also began to re-engage the local Redwoods in groups as well.  The fire for Kenya was rekindled. 

 Fall of 2022 – Spring of 2023, 5 key leaders in Kenya participated in carpet training via Zoom, preparing for initial retreats in Kenya. 

 In 2023, a team of Chris Cleghorn, Paul Storaci, Dan Ripple, and Myself travelled to Kenya to support Kenyan leadership of back-to-initial retreats April 28-30 and May 5-7.  Chris was the retreat leader, Paul and Dan stepped into the Elder roles.  Local men, Alan Hicks and Kariuki Thande enrolled as local leaders and I rounded out the leader team for the 2 retreats.   

After blowing off some rust in Rwanda, key men form Kenya began to step into the task of setting up a retreat, on a new site, and with men who not only had 3-5 retreats of experience, but had not staffed in 3 years.  There are also cultural and facility considerations that are different than offering a retreat in the US.   

 As many of us have experienced, the well-established process of this work is successful anywhere.  And, God is the same anywhere we go in the world.   

 The April weekend 23 staff saw 22 new Redwoods get what they came for.  As we ironed out the logistics of the retreat, we saw God work in amazing ways in these men. 

 The May weekend had the advantages of retaining most of the April staff and the learnings from that retreat.  23 staff men guide 23 new Redwoods who left full and blessed. 

 I often would catch myself having to stop and remember that I was in Africa.  Men are men and have the same wounds and issues anywhere in the world.  Each man needs honesty and grace.  And the retreat is the same work everywhere. 

 Next steps…Several Kenyan men will now step into retreat leader training over the next few months as well as more online carpet training.  Plans are already being made to offer an initial retreat one weekend and a second-level retreat the next weekend this fall. 

 If you are interested in joining a team of men to travel to Kenya, reach out to me to get more information; bmyers@thecrucibleproject.org  

 If you have a heart for donating toward support of this work in Africa, contact me as well. 

 April picture: 

 May Picture: 

 

 Community happenings: 

Spend the summertime re-engaging with your local community.  If you have not already done so, set up a group to meet together on July 22 and plan to join online for the annual gathering. 

 Tips and tricks: 

Consider using the phrase “We develop healthy Christian Masculinity” when talking about Crucible to those you are inviting.   

 Upcoming retreats: 

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.  If you have someone you have been recruiting, and you see his possible opportunity in one of these dates, make the ask. 

• July 7-9 - Houston 
• August 4-6 – St. Louis 
• August 4-6 – Houston – Spanish speaking 

 Leadership: 

For those on the leader track…if you have not had a conversation with your mentor in some time, reach out and talk. 

Final note: 

How are you incorporating this work in your everyday life? 

Blessings 

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What's Happening...

Reporting out: 

Spring has been busy with retreats. 

 Tulsa, Chicago, Houston, Urban-Chicago, Connecticut all hosted retreats in the past weeks.  Each had men stepping into grace and truth. 

 Crucible on the Inside – In February, the next step to bringing Crucible to incarcerated men came true.  The weekend experience has been the ongoing leadership project of Michael Byrd and Terrance Foster.  The original Crucible on the Inside was conducted a few years ago in a youth detention center. 

Michael and Terrance reached out to Scott Larson and Phil Jackson, leveraging their connections in the prison system.   Rob’s connections coupled with Phil Jackson’s classes being led on site in a prison, created an opportunity to go inside.  On February 24th, a group of men led by Michael and Terrance entered Statesville Prison in Illinois to bring Crucible’s radial Honesty and Grace to a group of 20+ incarcerated men.  

 As you can imagine, leading a Crucible experience in prison is not without its challenges.  Not only do you imagine some of the obvious differences, but there are also certain processes that are not conducive to a prison setting.  Furthermore, the Crucible staff must go through rigorous screening.  There were distinct time limits required, process detail restrictions, etc. 

 However, as we all know, this is God’s work, and men experienced the fullness of God’s grace! 

 This ground-breaking effort has opened the door to entering other prisons in other states. 

 The next step will be to capture the process in order to package the program. 

 This is not for the faint of heart!  Honor is due to the men who went inside to bring the grace of God to men behind bars. 

 More to come… 

 Community happenings: 

As we continue to develop ways to keep men engaged and encourage group participation post-retreat, a new emphasis is taking shape.  Kenny Johnston, our Men’s Ministry Coordinator will be reaching out to regional leaders and regional group coordinators to help drive local connection with these men.  The idea is that we move away from a hard sell of groups, etc. in Goals and Transition on Sunday of the retreat and have men in each community, who have relationship with the recent attendees, encourage group participation.  Please be following up and staying connected with men who have attended a retreat. 

Tips and tricks: 

For the man who thinks this is only for those who need healing:  Ask him to define grace.  Then ask him to give an example of feeling grace. Beyond his conversion, it is likely he will struggle to note many times he FELT grace.  Our retreat affords that opportunity. 

Upcoming retreats: 

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats.  If you have someone you have been recruiting, and you see his possible opportunity on one of these dates, make the ask. 

• Apr. 21-23 – Laurel Springs, NC 
• Apr. 21-23 – Mexico (30 men registered!!) 
• April 28-30 – Kenya 
• May 5-7 – Kenya  
• May 5-7 – Bergton, VA 
• May 5-7 – Leadership Darkside – Como, CO 

Leadership: 

I wanted to give a shout out to the Urban – Chicago leaders.  This was the second retreat where the leader team was made up of Urban initiative leaders!  They are running powerful retreats.    

Final note: 

In what ways are you creating the world you want to live in?  What is keeping you from stepping into that power?  If you are not sure how to answer, join a group, staff a retreat, attend a second-level retreat.  Get engaged!!! 

 Blessings 

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What's Happening...

Reporting out:

The year is in full swing.

Chicago held a successful 2nd level retreat – Sexuality – with a robust number of 46 men! Great work

Also in the Chicago area, the first “Crucible on the Inside” was held for adult men incarcerated at a maximum state prison. Wow! Hats off to Terrance Foster and Michael Byrd as they have had a vision for this based on their leadership project. Thanks to Scott Larson and Phil Jackson for their connections within this prison. Awesome work!

Mission in Houston, Texas was unique as it was the first bilingual 2nd level retreat. Attending were 7 Spanish-speaking men with 5 being bilingual and 2 with little to no English. Adjustments were made to lead many exercises separately in both languages (including a Spanish-speaking only carpet) and translations during big group processes. Great learnings were taken from this effort, and we plan to do the same over the other 3 2nd level retreats with hopes to have Spanish-speaking only 2nd levels in the US in the future. Thanks to Chadd Schroeder, Matthew (Mateo) Reed, and Mike Espinoza for the vision and input toward making this a success.

Chicago held a 3-carpet, 26-man retreat the first weekend in March. The follow up for groups is promising.

The Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex held their inaugural retreat the same weekend as Chicago. This was a one-carpet retreat. Men are interested in groups and there is building momentum to develop this region. Shout out to Chris Cash who did an amazing job as the Food Coordinator with the smallest kitchen. A 4-burner stove, one oven, and a standard home fridge.

Community happenings:

As we continue to develop ways to keep men engaged and encourage group participation post-retreat, a new emphasis is taking shape. Kenny Johnston, our Men’s Ministry Coordinator will be reaching out to regional leaders and regional group coordinators to help drive local connection with these men. The idea is that we move away from a hard sell of groups, etc. in Goals and Transition on Sunday of the retreat and have men in each community, who have relationship with the recent attendees, encourage group participation. More info to come.

Tips and tricks:

To the man who has means but feels the retreat is too costly: If you are able, offer a money back guarantee. You will usually find the issue is not money but some sort of fear. It is there that you may be able have the conversation and offer that we would be a step in the direction of giving him tolls for his issues.

Upcoming retreats:

Please be in prayer for these upcoming retreats. If you have someone you have been recruiting, and you see his possible opportunity in one of these dates, make the ask.

· Mar. 17-19, Initial – Colorado

· Mar. 24-26, Initial – Houston

· Mar. 31 - Apr. 2 - Tulsa, OK

· Apr. 14-16 – St. Charles, IL - Urban

· Apr. 14-16 – Griswold, CT

· Apr. 21-23 - Laurel Springs, NC

· May 5-7 – Bergton, VA

· May 5-7 – Leadership Darkside – Como, CO

By the way, there is still room for women on their March 24-26 retreat in St. Charles, IL

Leadership:

We will have several leaders crossing different certification thresholds in the coming months. It is exciting to see the growth and infusion of leaders in our program. The ministry will be in good hands for years to come.

Trainings:

Introduction to Facilitation – Weekly, Wednesdays, May – July 2023*

Advanced Facilitation Skills (Lover) –, Weekly, Wednesdays, September – October 2023*

Advanced Facilitation Skills (King/Queen) – Weekly, Wednesdays, November 2023 – January 2024*

Advanced Facilitation Skills (Sage) – Weekly, February – April 2024*

Final note:

This work we do is quite hollow unless we are applying it to our daily lives. Be the man God called you to be in your home, your job, and your Church. They all need your authentic manhood.

Blessings

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What's Happening...

Reporting out: 

There is a growing anticipation for a strong 2023.  Lord willing, it is likely we will hit 6000 men who have attended an initial retreat by year’s end.  

 Colorado started us off well with a 2-carpet retreat in January.  Chicago had an incredible 48 men attend the Sexuality retreat!  We have a full schedule on the calendar for the year.     

Kenya has re-committed to holding retreats.  Crucible will be leading 2 initial retreats, near Nairobi, on back-to-back weekends at the end of April, first of May.  We are training leaders and carpet leaders via video conference.   

Community happenings: 

Our Houston community leader, Jeremy Driver will be moving.  We are excited that Andy Spell and Chris Cash will be sharing in leading Houston.  But we are not finished with Jeremy yet.  Jeremy is teaming with Nate Stafford from New Mexico to develop an online community.  This community targets our remote Redwoods.   This targeting has a twofold goal: 

• Give opportunities form Redwoods to stay engaged via groups, etc. 
• Begin to create critical masses in regions where a retreat may land in the future 

If you are interested in assisting Jeremy and Nate, then email me at BMyers@thecrucibleproject.org  

The regional leaders continue to work on ways to keep Redwoods engaged as well as creating recruiting opportunities for future retreats. 

Tips and tricks: 

One quick tip on asking your friend or acquaintance to a retreat:  Become a good listener.  Pay attention to what he is talking about in his life.  Recognize where the retreat we offer could give offer him a new path to what he is experiencing.  One of the ways to do this is to say something like, “I heard you talk about (insert his issue).  I believe this retreat I have attended and staffed cold be a way for you to begin a path to experiencing it differently.”    

Upcoming retreats: 

The upcoming retreats are beginning to fill up nicely.  We anticipated the inaugural DFW retreat to be a 1-carpet retreat.  We are sitting in good shape and could possibly push to 2 carpets.  If you have a friend in the Dallas/Ft. Worth Metroplex area, invite him.  We have room. 

The Chicago retreat has now moved to 3 carpets!  Keep up the good work there, Chicagoland!   

Houston, late March is just over the 2 carpet Threshold.  Keep those conversations going. 

 Please be in prayer of the following retreats: 

• Feb. 24-26, Mission – Houston 
• Feb. 25-26, Crucible on the inside – Chicago  
• Mar. 3-5, Initial – Chicago 
• Mar. 3-5, Initial – Inaugural in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area 
• Mar. 17-19, Leadership Joy – Connecticut 
• Mar. 17-19, Initial – Colorado 
• Mar. 24-26, Initial – Houston 
• Mar. 31 – Apr. 2, Initial – Tulsa 

Leadership: 

We will have several leaders crossing different certification thresholds in the coming months.  It is exciting to see the growth and infusion of leaders in our program.  The ministry will be in good hands for years to come. 

Final note: 

Never forget that we do this work in order to “Build the world we really want.”  We have been given this awesome gift of Soul Work.  Let us not bury it but share it with our world.  Be the man you have always envisioned you could be and those around you will notice and invite you into their world.   

Here’s a personal example.  In the Church I attend now; I had been wondering what my purpose may be in this new place.  God answered when the Lead Pastor and I met just a few days ago.  I had been attending some different groups and getting to know people.  Because of my way of doing manhood, the lead Pastor already knew who I was.  He then invited me to be a part of leadership meeting as a representative of our campus.   

Know this…we never know who is watching.  Go be the man you were called to be.  Your Church needs you now more than ever! 

 Blessings 

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Because of this Work...

As I reflect in the New Year, I find myself grateful for the awareness, learning, tools, community, etc. that Crucible has offered me.

Having dealt with mine and my wife’s aging parents and dealing with the loss of 2 of those, I am aware of my wounding and the consequences of our parents’ choices when young. And, as I mutually share in the lives of others my age and their wounding, I am more and more aware of my own choices and the consequences.

In working with men, I hear stories that point to how their parents are living consequences years in the making. As we grow older, we become more set in our ways. And if we do not do the work now, the way we live may become how we are known.

I once heard a man say, “Grumpy old men were once grumpy young men.” Wow. Simple but I have seen evidence of this. How I do life will carry over into my old age. And, as I have noticed, it can amplify.

Isn’t this part of the reason we are working on ourselves now? I cannot undo the past and how I have wounded others. However, as I work on myself, I am building a different me for now and my twilight years.

Some of my words and mannerisms will still trigger my children. That is their work. My work is to be the better version of myself that God created me to be.

King David comes to mind when realizing the consequences of the sword never leaving his house following his sin with Bathsheba. The consequences were apparent. And David called on God for comfort. However, David handled the challenge of his consequences different than in his young life. Instead of picking up thew sword, he continued to have love for his sons.

With the above thoughts in mind…

• What is your work?
• How do you want to be known in your old age?
• What shifts are you willing to make to meet the goal of being your best self?
• What reconciliation are you called to step into?

A challenge may be to first look straight at any shame you may feel for your past wounding of others. Then…

• Bring your longing to be your best self to God.
• Humble yourself before those you have hurt.
• Do the hard work in ritualistic space and trust God will show you the path.
• Go and live as that best self!!

Know for certain that there are brothers in this work willing to walk alongside you. At times, it may feel critical of them to point out any shadowy behaviors. But, like you, they are committed to your best self as you are to theirs.

Let your brothers walk with and sometimes guide you:

• Get in a group
• Find a coach
• Attend or staff a second-level retreat.
• Staff an initial retreat.
• Find an accountability partner.

No matter the avenue(s), go and do you work so that you are living as your best self in your older days.

Blessing

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Do, Do, Do…

I recently returned from the longest vacation I have taken in my adult working life. It was rewarding and hard at the same time.

I bet many of you can relate to the hard part. I didn’t know what I should be doing. Because of the length and because of the nature of the trip, it was difficult to do much work. Yes, shamefully, I read and answered a few emails and even made a work phone call along the way. However, I did not open my computer. That’s a good sign, right?

For the most part, this trip gave me the opportunity to disconnect, rest, have fun, and (God forbid) do nothing. The do-nothing part was difficult. But I had made a commitment to spend some time embracing doing nothing.

We as men, contrary to popular internal belief, are not built to work every waking hour of every day. Some of you may resist that statement. Let me offer this: In his book Traveling Light, Max Lucado points out that the fourth commandment, Keeping the Sabbath, uses more words than any other commandment by far. There is something important around God resting, so we should too. Don’t you think? Especially since it is a part of what He commanded of His people when they left Egypt.

I know this concept, yet still struggle with taking time to do nothing. I am sure I am not alone. What messages might we be hearing when we are doing nothing? And from where do those LIES originate? Why do we keep them going?

I will say that my time of doing nothing paid off with my attitude and approach to my work week upon return. Sure, I was slow to get going because I had changed some routine. I had to deal with some time-zone issues. But my triggers were not as prevalent, my anger was in an appropriate balance, my joy was nearer than it has been in a while. And, I have some time during these holidays that are “Business is closed” days to finish the needed rest.

The usually longest holiday period of Christmas and New Year’s is on the horizon. Are you willing to spend some time doing nothing?

Will you commit to rest?

I would love to list some ideas in this article. However, as men, we tend to turn these ideas into a “to do” list. And DO is what we are trying to avoid here.

A few years ago, I was about to spend a few days on a silent retreat alone in a mountain cabin. I asked a friend for some exercises to connect with God. He wisely advised me to just go and be; not try to do anything to connect but just be. And, God showed up. Not in the way I expected, but the way I needed.

So…I challenge you to find some time over the next couple of weeks to just BE. Do nothing. Let God refresh you, your spirit, your soul, your body, your mind. Your work will still be there when you get back. And, just maybe, your approach to that work will be better.

Blessings

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Holding Space…

As we enter the holiday season of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s Day; we will likely have opportunities to be around family and friends.  In those case, we are also likely to be triggered and challenged by messages and behaviors.  Or, we may catch ourselves wanting to give advice or fix problems.

In this article, I wanted to offer a different approach to practice.  Holding Space.

I believe it is just human nature to want to fix someone’s problems.  I also believe that we are compelled to “fix” from a noble consideration of helping someone.  However, in our endeavor to help someone, we have lost a key component that is valuable to those we are helping.  The component is an art of “Holding Space”.   Heather Plett defines holding space in this way:

“…we are willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome. When we hold space for other people, we open our hearts, offer unconditional support, and let go of judgement and control.”

One of the greatest and poorest examples of holding space is in the story of Job.  In Job 2, Job’s friends are compelled to go sympathize and comfort him.  They began by holding space:

“Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights.  No one said a word to him because they saw how great his suffering was.”  Job 2:13

Job’s friends even listened as Job began to express his anguish.  However, they could not contain themselves any longer.  In my opinion, his friends became uncomfortable.  One by one, each friend rebuked Job and pointed out that he must have sinned in some way to be in this situation.  Why do we feel we have to say something when we become uncomfortable holding space?

Here are some pitfalls that come up for me when I should be holding space.  See if you can relate to any of these.

• As I mentioned above, I become uncomfortable with the person’s emotion, anguish, etc. When I become uncomfortable, I want to fix that discomfort.  Therefore, in all actuality, I am not helping them as much as I am fixing my discomfort.  Many times, I feel as they do.  However, I am afraid to express myself and I keep silent.  When they are expressing themselves, I become uncomfortable because I would not express myself in that way.
• The person I need to hold space for may be directing their emotion toward me. Instead of being good with who I am, I begin to defend myself.  Once I defend, I am no longer holding space.   Furthermore, sometimes what the person says hurts.
• What the person is saying may be in direct conflict with what I believe and value. At this point, I feel the need to speak “the truth” (my truth).  The person may blame God.  I feel the need to defend God.
• I begin to feel like my wisdom may serve the person in some way. Therefore, I begin to give unsolicited advice.  For example, when someone has lost a loved one, I feel the need to comfort him or her through words of wisdom.
• When teaching, facilitating, coaching, or training, I tend to ask questions in rapid succession. Instead of asking one question and waiting, I get uncomfortable with the question I asked or with the silence or the process.  Alternatively, I answer for the person and do not let them discover.
• Silence can become “loudly” uncomfortable. I just feel the need to say something.

For the most part, none of these is helpful for the person.  I tend toward wanting to help my wife fix an issue she may have with work or her family.  I want to help my friend who is angry, with either me or a situation in his life.  I want to solve my child’s problems instead of walking alongside her.  The shift I need to make is towards just holding space.  How do I do that?  Here are some things I have found that allow me to hold space successfully.  I hope that these ideas will be useful to you as well.

• I stand certain that God is involved. My tendency to fix is actually a lack of Faith that God is aware and compassionate toward the person I am holding space.  He is ever-present and all knowing.  That takes a lot of pressure off me.
• I must be good with who I am. Much of my speaking when I should be silent stems from an insecurity within me.  The person’s issue is not a reflection of any of my perceived shortcomings.
• Internally, I begin to realize that people will have differing opinions and I must be okay with that. I am to love people where they are, even if I disagree.
• I need to be a listener. Just listening and being present is all the person may need.
• I should ask permission to speak. If I feel the need to speak, then I need ask some variation of only one question:  “Is there anything you need for me to do for you?”  Then, I must honor the person’s answer, including staying within the boundaries of the request the person makes.
• When teaching, facilitating, coaching, or training, I need to ask one question and wait. This allows the person’s internal resources to come on line.  This respects the person’s God-given ability to discover.
• Tied to being certain God is involved – I must become comfortable with silence. A lot of great mind work, discovery, and revelation happens in the midst of silence.

Like most things in life, when I begin to put into practice holding space, I trust what the process accomplishes.  Where have you been “fixing” where holding space would be more appropriate?  With which pitfalls to holding space do you relate?  In what ways will you make a shift and begin to hold space?  Give silence a try.  Those around you may begin to respond in amazing ways.  Part of James 1:19 comes to mind as I close:  “…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…”

 

Blessings.

 

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Who will take care of the little boy?

I have said many times over the last 20+ years, “I believe God works in themes in my life.”  As I pay attention to life, I just keep experiencing the same types of things for periods of time.  Sometimes it is multiple themes God has placed in front of me, and sometimes it is a single intense theme.

Over the last couple of years or so, I keep experiencing the theme of taking care of the little boy in me.  In fact, just the other night my wife and I ran across and watched the movie Antwone Fisher on TV.  This is such a great story about how the little boy inside needs to be taken care of by the man.  One particular scene stood out as I watched this time.  It is a scene where Antwone has given his assigned Navy Therapist a poem he had written (you can watch the scene Here).  I have printed the words below:

Who Will Cry for the Little Boy?

Who will cry for the little boy, lost and all alone?

Who will cry for the little boy, abandoned without his own?

Who will cry for the little boy?  He cried himself to sleep.

Who will cry for the little boy?  He never had for keeps.

Who will cry for the little boy?  He walked the burning sand.

Who will cry for the little boy?  The boy inside the man.

Who will cry for the little boy?  Who knows well the hurt and pain.

Who will cry for the little boy?  He died and died again.

Who will cry for the little boy?  A good boy he tried to be.

Who will cry for the little boy, who cries inside of me?

His therapist then asks, “Who will cry for the little boy, Antwone?”  Antwone replies, “I will.  I always do.”  Wow, he gets it!  The only one who can take care of the little boy inside the man…is the man.  For so much of my life, I tried to take care of the hurt little boy inside me through others.  I looked for affection in others.  I looked for affirmation in others.  I looked for approval in others.  All of these things are good except when I begin to use them to take care of the little boy.  I begin to suck the life out of others which in turn pushes them away.  At that point, my little boy feels even more rejected.  So, I repeat the process.  John Bradshaw, in his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You notes (and I am paraphrasing) that if children do not get a healthy sense of narcissism in their upbringing, then they will act it out as adults.

This changed once I learned that I take care of the little boy inside me.  God takes care of the adult me.  He gives the adult me the power and wisdom to take care of the little boy inside me.  There is a power that is God-given at work within me (Ephesians 3:20) that I can access to take care of the little boy in me.  I was able to see a reflection of this in my son recently.

Now, I feel like we have done a generally good job raising children.  However, all parents have some trial-and-error situations with their children.  We did good raising kids but, we were not perfect.  I once had a conversation with our son in his early 20s.  All his life to that point, I had been in Christian education.  Because of the lower salary of my profession, my wife had worked outside the home his whole life as well.  On top of this, my son attended the Christian school where I worked and he was alongside a large number of children from affluent families.  He had been well provided for, but we were not able to afford all the different little things that many of his classmates received growing up.  He has had to work jobs in the summers and sometimes during school.  In his 20s, his work had afforded him some spending money and he began to buy little things for himself, when he should have been saving for his college spending.

We had a discussion around the little things he is spending his money on.  In that conversation, it dawned on me that he is taking care of the little boy who did not get those things like his friends had.  I pointed this observation out to him.  I even took it a step further and presented that it is possible that a message he carried from his mom and I might be that he is not very important.   He pushed back on that notion for a minute.  I pointed out that he was pushing back from the 20-year-old version who understands that we could not afford all those things at that time.  The 6-year-old version of him would not have the ability to understand this.  It was a tender moment for us as he realized how he was taking care of his little boy inside him.

Each of us has a little boy inside us that may still not understand what was going on as a wound was being formed.  As I noted Bradshaw, we may have not been afforded the right amount of narcissism and are acting it now in our lives.  There are times where I have to stop amidst a difficult emotional situation and ask myself, “What does my little boy want or need right now?”  As soon as possible, I move toward taking care of the little boy.  Just me…no sucking life out of others.

What might the little boy in you want or need?  Will you be willing to grieve for the little boy?  Are you willing to take care of the little boy inside of you?

I’ll conclude by leaving a link to Mercy Me’s song, Dear Younger Me…which by the way, was one more indicator of this theme God is revealing in my life.

Blessings.

 

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Destination or Journey?

James 4:13 Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”

Why is it that we look at our life as destination that is to be reached?  “If I just get this job…”  “If I just accomplish this task…”  “If I make this amount of money…”  “If I can just reach this place in my life spiritually…”  There are so many other statements that we make (both vocally and internally), these are just some examples.  I tend to catch myself working to reach a destination in my life thinking that once I have…problems will cease, life will get easier, and God will be pleased.  But life does not work that way, does it?

Our current societal norms do not help.  Everything is instant.  We have so much media influence.  Our smart phones keep us constantly connected.  We can look up information in seconds.  We have texts, calls, instant messages, etc.  Our access to so much is instant, but life is not.

We say on our retreats, “The Journey Continues.”  As long as we are living on this earth, we are not going to “arrive”.  It is a continued path toward a stronger faith, a transformed life, and drawing closer to God.  Just because there has been a high point spiritually, does not mean we have it all figured out.  Around the corner is another challenge, another goal to reach, and/or an even deeper relationship with God.

At times, living out our faith can become tiresome.  The spiritual battles with the evil one and his deceptions are continual.  The battles with our own flesh and its sinful desires continue.  The battle with what we put into shadow can be draining.  Maintaining relationships with those around us takes continual work.  The improvement of our personal transformation work is on-going.

I believe that our society has deceived us to some degree.  I have mentioned before that our “instant” culture has us wanting everything now.  Yet, God does not work on an instant answer and transformation process.  I also notice that at times I live parts of my life like a movie.  The problem with that is, a movie ends in an hour or two, and usually ends positive.  Life is not a movie.  Life is on-going and is not always positive.  If we live life instantly, and like a movie, it becomes a fantasy world…not reality.  Furthermore, when we live life this way, we live with a lot of disappointment.

This does not mean we live life without hope.  We just have to realize that life is a journey; an on-going process.  God is not finished with what His plans are for you and me yet.  I am reminded of Moses and how long God spent preparing him to lead Israel out of Egypt.  Until the day Moses died, he was on a journey with God.  I have already seen the fruits of God’s work in me and I am not as old as Moses was.  I know God still has plans for my life, your life and the lives of those we encounter.

I realized that maybe the destination I seek is the one promised me when my life ends or when Jesus returns.  I we just tend to keep looking at the wrong destination.  Our home is not here.  While I am here, I am to walk this journey with God.  I am to see where He takes me and whom I encounter.  I am to look at where He is working and join Him.  But written in to our beings is this longing for a final destination, the one after our physical body is done.  However that is supposed to look, I know I will reach it eventually.  Until then, our journey continues.

I urge us all to continue to do three things:

• Reflect back on how far we have come. You and I are not the men we once were.  In reflection, we can see progress.
• Remind ourselves, our journey is not complete. It will not be complete until our death.  And then an eternal journey begins.
• Like Moses, our journey is making us into something more. God uses all things to work for the good (Romans 8:28).  Knowing God is equipping me and reflecting back, I see His preparation for in the now.  And I had to Journey to get here.

Our destination is still in the distance.  For you, for me, our Journey Continues!

Blessings

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Anguish, lament, and the human soul…

As I continue to walk through a period loss in my life.  I am reminded in several ways to grieve.  Why is sadness such a hard emotion for men to step into?  The following passage may be of help.

Lamentations 3:17-26 ¹⁷ I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is.  ¹⁸ So I say, “My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the Lord.”  ¹⁹ I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.  ²⁰ I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.  ²¹ Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:  ²² Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  ²³ They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  ²⁴ I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”  ²⁵ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; ²⁶ it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

A few years ago, just prior to attending my initial retreat, I was introduced to a video on anguish.  This video was a compilation of excerpts from a sermon by David Wilkerson titled A Call to Anguish.  It had such a powerful impact on me that I was moved emotionally.  That is saying a lot because at that time, I had become quite jaded and numb.  At that time, the Holy Spirit made a call to me, through this video, to bring my numb life to God.  I had already been seeking to hear God and follow His leading.  But, that day began the journey of transformation I am now on.

I have watched this video several times and have listened to the words closely.  Through my soul work, God has helped me unlock parts of my heart and soul that have been covered for years.  It started in that place of anguish.

Anguish and lament is very much a part of the human soul.  As painful as they can be, anguish and lament actually unlocks our hearts for God’s love, mercy and grace to pour in.  I think the mistake that I made for so long was to believe that God causes or in some way encourages anguish and pain in my life.  When I believed that, I envisioned God as far away and disinterested in me.  When He was interested, it was only to correct me.  That is not the true God and that is not how anguish works.

Anguish and lament point to something not being right in my world.  I am either burdened with my sin or burdened with the results of sin around me.  I am saddened by the brokenness of the world.  When I look upon the lost souls searching the fill themselves with things other than God’s love, mercy, and grace; it pains me.  When I have pursued worldly things over God, I am left with emptiness. The only place to go is to a place of sorrow, lament and anguish.  It is in this place, where I face reality, and many times pain that I see God for who He is.  It is here that God shows me who I am.  In those moments, he replenishes my soul.

As long as I avoid my anguish…as long as I deny my anguish…as long as I hide my lament…as long as I repress my sadness, I keep God at a distance.  He is ready for me to lay my aguish and lament at His feet so that he may lift me up in His time and in His ways to fulfill His purpose for me.

Questions/challenges:

1. What comes up for you when you hear the words anguish and lament?
2. Watch the video (Click on A Call to Anguish). What is your reaction?
3. Where has God helped you in your anguish?
4. Have you denied or hidden your anguish? Where was God for you in that time?
5. This week, look around your world and see what needs to be mourned or grieved. Allow God to open your eyes so that you may lay your anguish and lament at His feet.

Blessings

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Pathways to Persona…

I have often had minor lower back issues since I was a young man.  As I have grown older, when the issue flares up, the pain is stronger and the recovery is longer.

The more recent flare ups have caused what’s called an Antalgic lean.  Simply defined, a move away from pain.

Learning this about my pain was revealing this thought of how we move away from our pain.

An example was from a recent conversation with a business leader, she and I talked through her letting go of a long-time employee due to misconduct.  She was preparing herself emotionally to handle his resistance. One of those resistance points would be an avoidance of shame.  She should expect him to deflect in some way in order to avoid the shame of his choices.  He is not who he should be due to avoiding shame.

All of this together opened my eyes to subtle pathways into persona.

On our retreats, one of the key verses Friday nights is a paraphrased version of Ephesians 4:25 “Each of you must put off false personas and self-deception—speak truthfully to your brother, for we are all members of one body and we need each other’s honesty.”

For quite some time, I have look negatively on “persona”.  I saw in myself this fake, poser, fraud when I thought of persona.  As I have continued this work, I have noticed that many times persona is tied to identity, others projections, and woundedness.  And sometimes, persona is even needed to get something accomplished.

I specifically began to notice how I begin to move to a different version of myself when avoiding shame.  And shame is not the only barrier that redirects my authentic self.  Fear, pain, mistakes, etc. can also change my course.  I notice how I begin a question in my head, “What are they looking for from me?”  Then, I begin to shift from my authentic self and attempt to be what “they” are looking for.  Much like the Antalgia, I “lean” away from my pain or discomfort by taking on some form of persona.

None of this is an intentional, conscious form of posing or faking.  It is what I have tried over an over since I was a boy in order to either avoid pain and shame or to fit where I think I should belong.  Yet, when I am not living as my true self, the one God made me to be, something just does not feel “right”.  It becomes burdensome and I cannot put my finger on it.  Furthermore, living in this subtle personification entices me to choose poor habits and fillers to sooth the pain or avoid the shame or fear or _____.

What is the answer?  I wish I was as wise as Solomon at this point.  I am not.  However, I can model things I have learned.  So, let’s pull from our Crucible pages and begin to step toward our true selves:

• Awareness – Notice when something is not “right”. Where in life does it feel like you are “pushing string”?  The old methods are not achieving the desired results.  Bring God into this and ask for Him to reveal where you are not your true self.
• Root cause – Where, when young, did you begin this pattern? Who modeled this for you?  How did this help you to fit in or survive?  How are you keeping this going?
• Pain or Shame – What pain or shame might you be holding? Is it a fear you are holding?  What wound might you be carrying?  How is this a burden or barrier to your true self?
• True self – Who are you? What feels like your true self?  What work do you need to do to step into your true self?
• Next steps – What is your next move? What must you do, to be who you are as your true self?  What support do you need (peer, group, coaching)?

Hopefully, the above list may trigger in you some awareness, causes, and next steps.  As we all are, I am a work in progress until the Lord returns.  Yet, I am thankful for the journey and the new awareness’s God and others place before me.  And, knowing this, you and I can draw nearer to the true self God intends for us to be.

Blessings

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Who are you in this story?

Every Thursday we offer a Lunch Time check in via Zoom, open to all Redwoods; 12:00 – 1:00 pm CT.  Recently, we did an exercise based on the story of the lost (prodigal) son from Luke 15:11-32.

We first spent a few moments paying attention to which character we most identify with in the story.  Here are the characters we chose from:  The Father, the lost son, the older brother (son), the servants in the father’s house, or the citizen of the foreign country where the lost son worked.

For this article, I want to offer you an opportunity to spend time in reflection on who are you in this story?  Read the story in Luke 15:11-32.  Spend some time working through and reflecting on the questions below.

Your insight might surprise you.

Blessings

 

1. Which character do you most identify with in this story? Are you the Father, the lost son, the older brother (son), the servants, or the citizen of the foreign country?
2. As this character, how does your shadow (or shadowy behavior) show up?
3. As this character, how does your gold show up? What is the intent underneath any shadowy behavior?
4. Who, from your past, do you model this behavior after? Where might you have been wounded by this behavior?
5. Based on what you have noticed so far, how has your perspective been influenced?
6. After working through this reflection, what action might you be prompted to take?

 

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Over the past few years, I have been paying attention to shame and how it affects not only me, but those around me.  I have defined it and redefined it, and yet, redefined it again.

Two books have helped in my current look at shame:  The Other Half of Church co-written by Michel Hendricks (a Crucible brother) and Jim Wilder, and Healing the Shame That Binds You written by John Bradshaw.

In both books, the authors divide shame into two categories:  Healthy shame and toxic shame.  I used to divide it this way:  Guilt (which equaled healthy shame) and shame (which equaled toxic shame).

My current landing place is this:  Guilt could be the gateway into shame.  Based on your wounding, relational status with others (your community of believers), what your identity is based upon, and the severity of your choices, your guilt could lead you down the path of healthy shame or toxic shame.

Guilt – I have missed the mark somewhere.  Something is off here and I am the reason.

Healthy Shame – This is something I have done.  The message I hear is, “I’ve done something bad.  I need correction.  Yet, it doesn’t define my character.”  Restoration happens within safe, loving relationships.

Toxic Shame – This is something about me.  The message I hear is, “I am bad.  I must justify myself. -or- I must give up” Toxic shame can result in defensiveness, addictions, and/or narcissism.

Healthy Shame is important to help us to grow and move toward re-establishing relationships, integrity, and righteous living.  This re-establishment is based on what we have done.  Toxic Shame on the other hand, many times, drives us to re-live our sin.  We begin to take on a negative message about ourselves instead of living in our God-given giftedness.  When I stay in a place of toxic shame, I do not believe I have value.  I do not believe I am redeemed.  It affects my relationship with God and others.  Long term exposure to Toxic Shame is damaging.

I was having a recent conversation with a friend I was mentoring.  The subject of “Does shame have a place?” came up.  It must have some place in our restoration…I could sense that in my soul.  However, I could not get past the damage that shame has caused in my life and in the lives of some many others I experience. Yet, I know it has a place. Where is this place?  How does shame produce goodness?

In a Bible class at my old Church, the teacher has been covering the theme “Encounters with Jesus”.  One week, the teacher led us to the story in John chapters 18 and 21 where Peter denied Jesus and then Peter’s reinstatement after the resurrection.  I believe it is a safe assumption that Peter experienced guilt and both types of shame.

During this Bible class, my eyes were opened to Peter and his guilt, healthy and toxic shame.  Should Peter have felt shame for his choice to deny Jesus three times?  Yes.  Should Peter have felt shame for whom he was in that moment?  Yes.  Guilt pointed to what Peter had chosen to do in that moment.  Shame exposed a part of Peter’s character that needed an adjustment and healing from Jesus.  The mistake many of us make is not bringing our shame to Jesus so that we can recognize possible “problems” in our character that need addressing.  Furthermore, when we do not bring our shame to Jesus, then we cannot receive healing for our heart, soul, and character.

Let us look at what happened with Peter:

• Peter denies Jesus three times. Guilt exposes what he has done.  We assume shame exposes something in Peter’s character.  Peter weeps bitterly (Matthew 26:75).  Peter is at a crossroads; he could allow toxic shame to deceive him into believing he cannot be redeemed.
• Peter returns to what he knows. Peter met Jesus while fishing.  He goes back to fishing.  He goes back to something familiar.  Peter had a loving, deep relationship with Jesus.  Moreover, possibly, like Jacob, returns to a place where he encountered God through Jesus (Jacob set up altars and pillars to represent his encounters and relationship with God and revisited them.  Other Old Testament characters have similar experiences).
• Jesus meets Peter in that place. Jesus speaks truth into Peter about his true character.  Jesus re-instates Peter.
• Peter goes on to be a great leader. Filled with the Holy Spirit and armed with his gift of passion, Peter establishes the Church.

I would love to say that is how I handle shame in my life.  Unfortunately, I typically allow my toxic shame to get the best of me.  I begin to believe that my character is flawed rather than believe the truth about how God has gifted me.  However, Peter gives me a great example of how to handle shame.  His story gives me hope in the midst of my failings.  Using Peter’s example, here is a great way to approach shame:

First – Healthy Shame can be useful to expose areas of character that may need work. It can show one where he moving away from who he truly is.  He can choose to believe he is flawed, or use it to begin deeper growth work toward moving to be God’s man.

Second – He can do something about what shame has exposed.  The other choice is to stay stuck.  It is time to take action that is different from how he has handled shame in the past.  It is time to choose truth.

Third – He needs to go back to what he knows.  He needs to go back to where he encountered Jesus.  Going back to something he is familiar with and capable of accomplishing will put him in a place to invite Jesus in to help.

Fourth – Pay attention and listen for Jesus.  Allow Him to show the truth about your character.  Begin to allow his healing touch to help you move forward with what He has planned for you.  Allow His correction to lead you to the man you are called to be.  All of this done in the loving relationship you have developed in Him, just like Peter had.

Shame and the messages associated with it is very powerful.  However, with practice and intentionality, healthy shame is useful to expose and motivate.  The key, like Peter’s story is the pointing to Jesus.  Peter was so excited to see Jesus that he jumped out of the boat and swam ashore to be with him.  When I am burdened by the messages of toxic shame that I am “bad”, it is an indicator that I need to go to Jesus and hear truth.

How have you let toxic shame burden you?  Where do you need to go to encounter Jesus?  Make a commitment to spend time with him in a familiar place.  When you do, listen for His truth and healing voice.

Blessings

Byron

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When all else fails, read the instructions…

^“The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.  Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me.” ­- Psalms 119:130, 133

I tend to try to fix things, build things, assemble things, and generally do things without first reading the instructions.  At times, once finished assembling something, I am perplexed by the unused parts and wonder why a manufacturer would waste material by placing un-needed parts in the box.  Then, when what I have put together does not function properly, I realize those were not “extra”…oops.

I have heard of teachers who in their instructions at the top of a test noted that if the student has read the instructions to completion, they simply can put their names on the test, turn it in and receive a 100% without answering any questions on the test.  I would have been the student who answered the questions on the test.

Can anyone else relate?  What is it about men that many of life’s challenges this way?

I do the same thing in my walk with God.  I try to walk through life on my own.  I do this based on my knowledge, my experience, and my wisdom.  Then I come across a dark time and wonder, “How did I get here?”  I didn’t read the instructions.

For quite a bit of my life, I have treated the Bible in several different ways:

• I have viewed it as instruction for spiritual matters only. At this point I have separated my life into different personas to fit different categories in my life.
• I would feel guilty for my lack of Bible study and would begin a regimen of reading. I would not connect with what I was reading, get bored and stop.  Then I would feel guilty again.
• I use it as a means to gain an answer. Or I would use it to argue a point; to support “my” view.

What I have not done is see the Bible for a life instruction manual.  The older I get and the more I study and apply scripture, the more I realize that it is beyond just a book of laws.  Now God is bigger than the Bible.  He works in so many other places beside just between the covers of the Bible.  Yet, for us as Christians, the Bible is where we can begin to understand the character of God.  And not just in the New Testament…all scripture points to God’s character.

Beyond learning more about God and His character; we also learn about humankind.  When I look into the character of the people written about in the Bible, I see me.  I see parts of what I do in them.  I see how God handled them.  I see instructions for living.  Not just instructions for a Holy life, but life itself.  I have made the mistake of separating “life” from a “holy life”.  For those of us in the kingdom of God, it is all to be intertwined.

To be that whole man, we must intertwine our “holy life” with “life”.  If we are not careful, Crucible can become another ”life.” 

I am amazed that when my life is heading down a certain path that I do not understand; I can open up the Bible and the Spirit can lead me to a certain Biblical character and his or her life resembles what I am experiencing.  Unfortunately, this usually happens when I am in the life situation.  Had I read this beforehand, I might have taken a different path. That is one of the important things about reading the Bible.  It’s not to please a far-off God somewhere up in the heavens (although that is good too).  The Bible can become my instruction manual.  By reading on a regular basis, I can mostly avoid putting myself in the situation of…When all else fails, read the instructions…

Blessings

Byron

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Have I really changed at all?

I often hear men ask this question.  It is difficult to see our own changes.

I began this journey to make changes and transform my life about 15 years ago.  My Christian walk had become dry and lifeless.  I began searching and praying for change.  I began taking part in life-changing events including my initial weekend.   And my transformation curve seemed to make an upward turn.

However, there were times that I slipped back into my old ways of doing life and even felt as I was worse than before.  In those times, I began to question if I had made any change at all.  Over the course of time I have seen some indicators of change.  The answer to whether or not I have changed is… “Yes”.

I have led groups of men post retreat.  In the course of these groups I notice a common feeling among some of the members.  The conversation would go something like this:  “I did my weekend and I am faithful to group yet I sometimes feel that I have made no progress at all.”  For me, as the group leader, I could see quite a bit of change and difference in the man.  I quickly pointed out to him that we as a group see quite a bit of change.  And the group concurred and supported him.  He could not see it, but others around him could.

That was the first indicator that I am not the man I once was.  By watching someone else and his transformation process, I realized that I am changing too.  It’s hard for me to see it looking in the mirror at the same face every day.

A while back read a book as we made some changes at the school where I was the Principal.  The title of this book is Managing Transitions: Making the Most of Change by William Bridges.  The book has been a helpful toll for  me in many ways.  Personally, the book has given me another indicator of some success in my ongoing transformation process.

Bridges breaks transitions into three phases:  There is the Ending, Losing, and Letting go phase.  There is a Neutral Zone.  Finally, there is a New Beginning.  Below is a diagram from the book illustrating these three phases.

When I started my transformation journey, I began the Ending, Losing, and Letting go phase.  I took part in several actions and functions to end how I was doing life (One being my initial Crucible weekend).  This placed me in the neutral zone.  The area is scary, ambiguous, and sometimes disorienting.  There is a lot of unknown in the neutral zone.  It is easy at times to want to go back to the old way of doing things.  I am still letting go of some old.  In the neutral zone, I do not see the new beginning clearly.  However, in the neutral zone, I can take risks and try new ways of living.  I am freed from the old life to walk new.  I’ll fail at times.  But the moving forward toward the new beginning has given me new life.

Interestingly, the book contends that we go through many transitions.  I moved 2 years ago.  That’s a transition.  We all experienced the fallout of a pandemic.  That’s a transition.  You attended an initial weekend, that’s a transition.

The new beginning will create other areas where transformation will need to occur.  I know that God can change me in an instant.  But I also know that is not how He works to build me into who I am supposed to be.  I have to let go of the old, wrestle with where I am, and look to the new.  This will be ongoing.  That is why life is called a journey…not a destination.  Like we say often, “The Journey Continues.”

How do I know I have changed?  Here are three considerations:

• I see the change in others and realize I have changed as well.
• I look at the old me and reflect on where I was vs. on where I am now.
• I recognize that I am on a journey and not just reaching a destination.

I may not see my transformation progress like I see it in others.  But when I begin the process of reflection and awareness, I begin to believe that change is happening.  “Have I really changed at all?”  YES!!

Where can you apply the three considerations as you wonder if you have changed at all?

Blessings

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Where Crucible Can “Tidy Up” The Man…

The Crucible Mission Statement: IGNITING CHRIST-LIKE CHANGE IN MEN AND WOMEN THROUGH EXPERIENCES OF RADICAL HONESTY AND GRACE

I believe it is important to revisit this from time to time. In my work with companies, I urge them to do more than just paste their mission and vision on a wall. We must revisit and point to our personal mission as well as our organizational mission.

This has been reinforced to me recently. At my church, I have joined a group of older men in meeting weekly and discussing different books. We are currently studying C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity.

In the book, Lewis lists three things Morality is concerned with:

1. “…fair play and harmony between individuals.”
2. “…tidying up…the things inside each individual.”
3. “…the general purpose of human life…what man was made for…”

As I read these, I felt a sense of renewed spirit in what we do. What we offer touches mostly #2 with bleed over into #1 and #3.

It has often been said on retreats and in our circles, “The best we can give those around us is a healthier version of ourselves.”

For many, this is a review. For others, this may be a deeper realization of what our brand of soul work targets. And yet, for others, there may be other aspects not listed in this article.

For the most part, the “…tidying up…the things inside each individual,” includes:

• Honesty – We are challenged to be honest with ourselves and others. This is not a full-time open confession. It is an invitation to be more open and vulnerable about who I am and what I do. Recognizing shadow behavior and its origin.
• Integrity – Keeping our word. Lining up the inside with the outside. Moving toward solid agreements.
• Accountability – Owning choices and their consequences. Keeping in integrity. Rebuilding relationship when we have broken agreements.
• Responsibility – Other’s feelings and actions are not in my control. We look inward rather than blame.
• Christ-like masculinity – Looking at the whole of Jesus, not just the Church-y way he has been presented. Connecting with his humanity and knowing there is a model for manhood.
• Blessing – Knowing how to bless and be blessed. Blessing character rather than action.
• Extending Grace – Learning how to extend grace and receive grace. Knowing the difference between extending grace and giving a pass (enabling).
• Living in truth – Learning how to challenge. Both ourselves and others.
• Living in our Gold – Recognizing we are a child of God, loved by God and Christ, and living out of those God-given gifts. Knowing our world needs our gold.

Some of this list blurs into #1 and #3. However, the beginning is within us. How do I line up with what God made me to be? Again, you may think of other concepts not on this list, but what we offer is a great start.

And, I cannot say this enough…just identifying these is only the beginning. Go and apply what you have learned.

I end with this challenge based off of a teaching from Crucible brother I heard years ago. What is the difference between the wise man and foolish man in Matthew 7:24-27? There are a lot of good lessons around solid ground versus shifting sand. The key to this teaching is this, “…everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man…” Go put into practice the “…tidying up…the things inside each individual.”

Blessings,

Byron Myers

 

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Be better because you were here today.

The title was an often-spoken phrase by a mentor coach as I began coaching girls’ softball in the mid-1990s.  The challenge was to gain the most out of each practice in order to apply it in games.  The phrase was intended for the athletes, but it applied to my coaching as well.

I believe I have adopted this challenge in most things that I do today.  Sure, I have times where I am unproductive and move without purpose.  For the most part, there is a drive within my soul to “be better” today than I was yesterday.  A drive toward a purpose.

In our work, we look under the hood and become aware of barriers to our purpose, our connection to others, our muddied view of options, our boundary setting, etc.  We touch the hidden things like emotion, truths, wounds, shame.

But our work is not just about awareness.  We are challenged to be responsible, authentic, honest, loving, and to create the world we really want.  Like Jacob, we are challenged to walk different than our previous method of operation.

So, the challenge to you today is twofold:

• Your continued Soul Work – Through groups, coaching, staffing, the 2-year program (If you are not continuing your work in some sort of community, begin now!) …approach each time with the attitude of “Be better because you were here today.” What needs to change?  Who will support you?  What hard look into the mirror do you need?
• Your everyday life – Apply your hard work to everyday life. Like Jacob, walk different.  We can do all this great Soul Work but if we do not apply it in the everyday, what good is that?  Wake up everyday with the thought of “Be better because you were here today.” 

What steps will you take to be “better” today than yesterday?  How will you apply your “better” today?  Your world needs your better version of you.  “Be better because you were here today!”

Blessings

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The Opportunity for a Holiday “Sabbath”…

For some, the Christmas and New Year season is a joyous occasion.  For others, it is a difficult time due to loss, stress, expectations, etc.  And yet for others, it is an emotional rollercoaster of highs and lows.

From childhood to my current age, my approach to the next few weeks and the actual time off has evolved.  As a child, I was anticipating the coming of Christmas.  Our parents and grandparents made a big deal about gift-giving.  I selfishly looked forward to that (the child-like selfishness of opening gifts).

As I grew older, divorce and death affected the “magic” of the Christmas time of opening gifts together.  I also began to recognize and come to appreciate that the world, for the most part, recognizes Jesus during this time.  And even my view on celebrating Jesus birth at this time has been different.

Today’s article is not to debate how we should approach Christmas.  Nor is it a diminishing of those who feel pain during this season.  I have however discovered a constant for me that goes hand in hand with this season.  A brief period of Sabbath rest.

As I reflect back on the Christmas holidays from my childhood forward, I notice one constant anticipation.  I look forward to “time off”.  I was a student from the ages of 5 to 22.  I didn’t like school much and was not a very good student.  So, holiday time off was cherished.  For most of my adult years, I have worked in education where the schedule has been the same.

What is the point of that story?  Upon reflection, I realized that my view of the Christmas holidays may have changed through the years.  What has remained constant is the time off.  What I discovered was that I had been longing for a Sabbath.  The Christmas holidays have been that Sabbath for me.

Now, theologically, this Sabbath is not the 7^th day that God asked His people to set aside.  Simplified, it is a day of rest.  It is intentional and set aside.  There is the Sabbath day in God’s commands, and there are general times of rest that feel much like a Sabbath.

My challenge here is to set aside some time during the holidays to take a Sabbath.  Here are some suggestions on handling the time you are on Sabbath:

• Rest – Sleep more than normal. There is no real “catching up” on rest, but you can give your body and mind some time off by sleeping.
• Do nothing – This one will be hard for us western culture men. We’re “doers”!  Be bored, it’s okay.
• Do some light reading – If you have to be doing something, then read. Nothing in depth.  Choose something that brings joy to the mind.
• Enjoy family an or friends – Spend time with those you love. If this is not possible, go find someone who is alone and spend time with them.  Find out about them and talk little about you.
• Hold a loose schedule – You never know what God might have in store in the “gaps” of a loose and unfilled schedule of you time.
• Get drunk on a TV marathon – Occasionally, it is good to allow something else to think for you, like a good series on TV (or streaming, etc.).

I am sure there are other ways to spend you time during a restful period of the holidays. Find what works for you.  The key is Sabbath rest!  Take some opportunity to move away from the busyness of life.  I believe the results will be a renewed sense of purpose for a new year.

Have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Blessings.

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Thank your Pastor or Ministry Leader today!

Ministry is hard.

We recently held a special retreat for Redwood Pastors.  The goal was to allow these men to take off the hat of ministry and be “a man among men”.  The retreat combines work aimed at the challenges of ministry with down time for fellowship and recharge.

Most Pastors and Ministers are called into this form of leadership.  They spent time in education and preparation.  However, no amount of education prepares them for burden they carry and the sacrifice they will make to meet this calling.

The cost these called men pay for their sacrifice affects not only them, but also those close to them.  Often, too many of these men make the trek alone.  They are managing their relationship with God, others relationships with God, keeping up with expectations of Elders and Church boards, the persona that others project onto them, their own family, ministry demands, etc.  All the while, like you and me, they have a wounded past.

On top of this, we expect them to be the spiritual leader of many.  In his book, Why Men Hate Going to Church, David Murrow points out that we expect our Pastor to lead and disciple hundreds.  Jesus only discipled 12. 

Add to all of this a global pandemic that has affected Church attendance and created feuds over handing the government regulations.

Don’t get me wrong.  Most still love their calling.  This isn’t an exclusive reason, but a great reason we should be thankful for what they do and who they are.  Despite all of the challenges, their faith in God is holding strong.

Things to remember when being grateful and thanking your Pastor/Ministry Leader:

• Remember he is Human – We often de-humanize our leaders. He is just a man.  He may be an extraordinary man, yet he is still human.
  • He has feelings
  • He thinks of other things beside ministry
  • He is wounded like you. In fact, he likely called to ministry due to that wound.
  • He needs breaks from life just like you
• Even though he is a leader, temper your expectations – Quit projecting what you expect him to be. Notice him for who he is.  Compliment his character and his sacrifice.
• Support him financially – Contrary to a popular notion, few Pastors work in a large Church. Rarely do they have retirement or other benefits.  Consider any extra support you can give.  If you are a business owner, give discounts and freebees.
• Simply say, “Thank you” a lot – You may not see what he is doing for his congregation. Thank your Pastors/Ministry Leaders on a regular basis.
• Support sabbaticals – Believe it or not, some Pastors/Ministry Leaders only get 2 -4 Sundays off a year. That’s ridiculous!  Jesus went away to solitary places regularly.  Why can’t our Pastors?
• Invite him to something casual – Take him fishing, hunting, biking, golfing, etc. Let him be him.  Don’t talk about ministry.  Find out his story.
• Remind him that he is good – Much like the great men of the Bible, he often questions if he is good enough to be God’s man. Remind him he is good.  Bless his character, not his accomplishments.
• Treat his family well – It is hard to be a spouse, child, family member of a Pastor. Many times, the family is out on an island.  Love on them.

I am sure that you can think of other creative ways to show gratitude to your Pastor/Ministry Leader.  In this day and age, these leaders need our support more than ever.  They are torn between their calling and feeling like they are spinning their wheels.

Get to know the human behind the position.  You may find that he is much like you.

Blessings,

Byron Myers

Men’s Ministry Leader

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That dirty word…”Procrastination”

I sometimes feel like I have a Master’s degree in procrastination.  Maybe you can relate.  For years, I lived with this method of operation along with the guilt, shame, and stress it that normally followed.

As I have grown older, I procrastinate less and have begun to dig underneath the surface to identify the root of this for me.  Once at the root, I am better able to navigate or even avoid procrastinating.

On this journey I have discovered a few causes to my procrastination.  While discovering these, I also touched a realization that not all “putting off” of things was actually procrastination.  Sometimes, I needed to wait; for more info, on other people, the right timing, a better solution, etc.  There are times that I need to ruminate.  However, I have to be cautious here as procrastination for me is so natural that I sometimes cannot see the line between “waiting on the Lord” and procrastinating.

Root Causes

Plug in your “go to” procrastination method or scenario and see if any or all of these root causes fit:

• Fear – Now this is not afraid or deeply scared as much as a discomfort.
  • Fear of failure
  • Discomfort with the unknown
  • Fear of binding obligations – “I like to keep my options open.”
  • Fear that expectations may not be met
  • Fear of facing conflict
  • Fear of what I might discover – incompetence, rejection, etc.

• Misplaced compassion for self – We want to give this person a break. You have too many tasks on the list and need some relief.  “Can’t they see what I have accomplished?”
• Self-sabotage as a way of gaining power – This is a form of avoidance of the “task master”. This is the resentment of the obligation.  This may show up in the form of addictive behaviors or forms of escape.  This can feel much like self-preservation.

Once discovering which one fits best (maybe all three), a next step is to find what from our past triggers the root cause of the procrastination.  What scenarios, when young, did you face and handle by procrastinating?  What do you perceive you gain for yourself by procrastinating?

As I have been working this out for myself, I have opportunities to field test this some with others who are seeking guidance on their procrastination.  Everything mentioned so far leads to some amazing discovery and work, both for me, and others.  But this discovery does not produce a way forward without some action.

Moving Away from Procrastination

Here are a few ideas toward moving away from procrastinating.  Please note, this is not a plug and play.  You may very well find your answer in this list and apply it.  However, the intent of this list is to trigger your own creative, personal power and make a stretch that is unique to you.

• Genuinely discern whether or not this is procrastination or rumination. It might be a little of both.  However, you may be a “soaker”, or you may be a “gatherer” of information.
• In a non-shaming way, list who suffers from your procrastinating as you begin the scenario you are entering.
• Make fewer commitments. This can keep you from running up against the “task-master” of obligation.
• Break large tasks into chunks. Set short time limits to work on these chunks.
• Own the fear where you can. For example, when entering a conflict, own you don’t like conflict and any fears that accompany conflict resolution.
• Practice healthy compassion for your workload. Take timed celebration breaks between tasks to renew and rejuvenate.
• Go back to what you know. I am sure you have been successful at stepping into scenarios without procrastinating.  Apply the method and steps to the one you are “putting off”.
• Here’s one that is usually difficult for men, especially the high-capacity types: Ask for support, delegate, and/or set up an accountability partner or system.
• Shift from excuses and blaming to responsibility. Recognize that you are always in a place of choice.

Much of this has been helpful for me.  My natural bent around a large task that takes my energy is to; ruminate, research, think and organize in my head, and put it together in one sitting.  Learning the above has helped me see when I’m in that gold and where I am procrastinating.

Hopefully, there has been some discovery for you.  Maybe you are not a procrastinator.  However, chances are you have some around you.  This might be something you can offer to them.  Whatever the case for you, use what you need and set aside the rest.

As I am still on my journey of moving away from procrastination, I would love to hear your thoughts.

Blessings.

Byron Myers

 

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Throwing out the baby with the bathwater…

I was reflecting on where I have come over the past few years as a Christian.  Something that has stood out to me is how I approach books, studies, sermons, and other methods of learning.  In the past, as I came upon something, among these forms of media, that I would disagree with fundamentally or theologically I would either stop where I was and throw the whole medium out or just “check out mentally”.  That tendency still exists, but thanks to this work and the recognition of triggers, I have a better approach and open mind.

It is important to notice the resistance to the message.  What might be the trigger of the resistance.  A past wounding?  My upbringing?  Deeply rooted religious tradition disguising itself as theology? Am I simply uncomfortable?  Am I not understanding and avoiding feeling stupid?  Is it my perception of the speaker’s/author’s competence?  Am I judging the character of the writer? 

“Throwing out the baby with the bathwater” actually stunts growth and learning.  There could be hidden benefits in what is being presented.  God could be speaking in some part of this.  If nothing else, it reinforces my faith in some way.

I have often heard it said, “Truth is truth, no matter where you find it.”  This coupled with a belief that God is active and ever present, helps me to shift to working on my awareness of what God might have for me, even if I disagree with most of what is in front of me.  Here are a few thoughts around this:

• This may be a stretch – We want to throw out the message because we are uncomfortable. We might be uncomfortable with the challenge.  It might be too close to a wounding.  It presents as polar opposite of a belief.  The question to ask is, “How might God be stretching me here?”
• Something from God may be “hidden” – For years I projected onto speakers a problem of my own. When I teach, some of what I teach is from me and some from God.  Now, in my arrogance, I think it is all inspired by God.  However, I am incorrect.  But there are parts of what I teach or present that is God using me.  When listening, look for the hidden messages from God within the whole presentation.
• Be aware – What is this resistance tied to within me? Is this a deeply held belief?  And does it need review?  Is this too close to a wound?  Am I holding a judgment?  Once aware, can the resistance be set aside in order to pay attention for growth’s sake?
• Open the mind and listen – For love’s sake, give an ear. Listen to the heart of the presenter.  We are all limited to our experiences and choices.  How might we connect, at some level, with this person?  Remember, there is a human behind the message.
• Is this good for the soul? – Truth be told, after testing the message, the decision may be to throw it all out. The key is…can any part of this be soul-feeding?

What is your resistance?  Are you instantly throwing out the baby with the bathwater?  What shift do you need to make?

I challenge us all to look for God’s message in all we experience.  He tends to speak more than we tend to listen.

Blessings

Byron

 

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Have I become comfortable?

I am going to say something that even I am sick of hearing.  The last year-plus has been an unprecedented time in our society.  That word, “unprecedented”, may be one I am tired of hearing, but

how else do you describe living in a pandemic?  It does not matter where you land on the subject, times have changed.

As we move toward the new normal, I notice a new comfort.  The comfort of semi-isolation.  The latest article in Crucible’s outward facing Compass Resources (Read it HERE) urges us to reconnect.

However, the move out of isolation can be a challenge.  I believe part of this issue is due to our natural adjustment gene.  Is this partial isolation an adaptation to what we have experienced?

Early on, as Churches began to stream and adjust, I heard a in Crucible friend’s sermon a thought a Bible professor made about the three types of people experiencing the pandemic:

• The inconvenienced – an area where the bulk of us have fallen
• The suffering – those who lost jobs, lost opportunities, fell ill
• The broken-hearted – those who have endured tremendous loss

I have encountered a portion of all three groups.  However, the largest group I have encountered is the “inconvenienced” (of which I am a part).

I have said it many times that for the most part, our western society did not know how to handle the past eighteen months due to how easy we really experienced life.  We are the most “convenience” society on the planet.  Anger surfaced in many forms due to our being blocked from what we wanted.

Now the turn…

There are opportunities to reconnect.  Yet, many are not stepping into the opportunities.  Why is this happening?  Here are few thoughts:

• Fear still is in the air – I don’t think most are afraid of getting sick (although that can still be a legitimate issue depending on where you live). I believe it is an over caution of, “When will this all get shut down again?  I cannot do that again.”  So, we have adjusted to small connections, virtual connections, short trips, etc.
• The new normal – In a recent conversation with an urban leader, he expressed his belief that people have just become used to how thing are now. Seeing fewer people, staying home with just the family more, many jobs work solely from home now, etc.
• We found some way to feel comfortable again – I wonder for myself, “am I too comfortable with how it is now?” I was inconvenienced for a while with some wanted items, but was never in danger (I am not dismissing those who lost a whole lot or were in danger).  I am able to order most things through Amazon.  I have Zoom (although I am Zoom-fatigued).  I make short jaunts to the store.  And it’s

Where do you land in this list?  Are you experiencing some of each?  Is there something missing that has not been covered here?

You see, God did not create us to live in isolation.  Even the introvert needs connection and fellowship.  I bring up this challenge because without looking at what is keeping me at home, I cannot begin to venture into the connection I need.

Maybe you have become used to semi-isolation.  And it is comfortable for now.  But can you sustain it?  Will it get you what your heart longs for?  Will it continue to hold up a mirror for your growth opportunities?  Where you are standing now, are you being stretched and challenged, or are you comfortable?

When I experience comfort for a length of time, I am reminded of a story of cooking a frog.  Frog legs are best when fresh.  In order for them to be the freshest, you set the frog in a warm pot of water.  He gets comfortable in the water.  As he lays there, you simply turn the heat up slowly until the water begins to boil.  The frog never saw it coming.

How warm is the water you are sitting in now?

Blessings

Byron Myers

Men’s Ministry Leader

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Taking responsibility…

I am often reminded and amazed at Biblical examples of men, their stories and their character.  So much can be learned just from the human story of these men.  The example of King Saul comes to mind when I reflect on taking responsibility for myself, my actions, and their consequences.  When you have time, I encourage you to read through the story of Saul.  So much can be learned on how not to do life.

For today, let’s look at this passage:

I Samuel 15:13-15 "¹³ When Samuel reached him, Saul said, “The Lord bless you! I have carried out the Lord’s instructions.”  ¹⁴ But Samuel said, “What then is this bleating of sheep in my ears? What is this lowing of cattle that I hear?”  ¹⁵ Saul answered, “The soldiers brought them from the Amalekites; they spared the best of the sheep and cattle to sacrifice to the Lord your God, but we totally destroyed the rest.”

Passing off blame has been an age-old problem.  Biblically, Adam began this whole blaming thing by passing responsibility for eating the forbidden fruit to Eve (Genesis 3).  While reading again the story of Saul and God rejecting him as king, I noticed how Saul passed blame and responsibility to his men in verse 15.  Even though this is an age old problem, I get a sense that it seems to be more prevalent in our current society.

I watch and listen as educated adults give away their power through blame and the passing off of responsibility.  Furthermore, when faced with the question, “What can you take responsibility for in this situation?”...confusion and further blame ensues.  I also realize in these situations that I am not immune to this way of reacting.  I too, give away my power and become victim to passing off blame.

Here is what passing off responsibility does:

• It puts the power into the teeth of the situation. When I blame the circumstances, I am victim to my circumstances.  My circumstances now have control and I will rarely take control back.  I become powerless and get stuck.  In that process, others suffer due to my inaction and lack of power.  Saul gave up his power by blaming his men.
• It damages my character and eventually my soul. I can no longer be trusted.  I become unapproachable.  I begin to blame even more and isolate.  When I isolate, I am easily tempted by sin.  Sin causes shame, and I begin to live out of my shame.  Saul damaged his soul eventually leading to his being tormented by a demon.  His anger burned unhealthily toward David.
• I become even more selfish. When I feel a victim, I power up in the wrong places and in unhealthy ways.  All I can think of is me.  The “me” world becomes a lonely world.  Saul asked Samuel to still honor him in front of the people.  He gave up his power to a false sense of image.

Quite frankly, all of us are just across a thin line form being Saul.  Yes, people around us make poor choices that affect us.  However, when I drill down and look at most of the situations where I tend to blame, I notice “back up the line” somewhere, I had made a choice.  And…even is some case where I am truly a victim of another’s choice, I still have power over and responsibility for my reaction.

Here are a few things taking responsibility does for us:

• It gives us power over our lives. Sure, there are things we cannot control.  And we certainly cannot control people.  But we are responsible for our reactions.  Of course we shouldn’t deny or hide or stuff our reaction, but we do not let it control us either.  I own my reaction.  I voice the boundaries that have been crossed.  It allows me to have control.
• It protects our character and soul. When we own our mistakes and the emotion around those mistakes, we are more trustworthy and more “human” to those around us.  I am able to drop the mask and be me.  To live as a fake is exhausting to the soul.  To live as me, is refreshing to the soul.
• We begin to love others and have compassion on them. We are able to see into the hearts of those around us and recognize from where they are coming.  I can see the cause of their reactions and walk with them.

My challenge is twofold.  First, continue to flex the muscle of taking responsibility.  That may mean some pain and humility through admission of mistakes, selfish behavior and flaws.  But that pain is short-lived compared to the pain that is caused by unhealthy emotion because of a damaged conscience and soul.  Second, I challenge you to take back your power by taking responsibility for yourself, your life, and your actions.  Take back the power that was given to you through the Spirit of God.

One final note.  DO NOT use the power of personal responsibility as a license to power up on those around you.  Maybe an article for some other time…the men in the Bible who misused their personal, God-given power to hurt rather than be responsible.  Keep your balance.  Live as God intended for you to live.

Blessings

 

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The Issue of Trust

Look around our society today.  Who do you trust?  Who trusts you?  Are you trustworthy?

In so many ways, we can focus on the negative issues going on in our country.  And at the core of much of is Trust.

Now, we can gripe about how leadership in our current society is poor and untrustworthy, but that is not the focus here.  Much of our work revolves around personal responsibility.  “How am I making a difference in the category of Trust?”

In his book The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership, John C. Maxwell describes trust this way:

It’s a little like earning and spending pocket change.  Each time you make a good leadership decision, it puts change into your pocket.  Each time you make a poor one, you have to pay out some of your change to the people.

Every Leader has a certain amount of change in his pocket when he starts a new leadership position.  From then on, he either builds up his change or pays it out.  If he makes one bad decision after another, he keeps paying out change.  Then one day, after make one last bad decision, he is going to reach into his pocket and realize he is out of change.  It doesn’t even matter if the blunder was big or small.  When you’re out of change, you’re out as the leader.

A leader who keeps making good decisions and keeps recording wins for the organization builds up his change.  Then even if he makes a huge blunder, he can still have plenty of change left over.

How much change do you have in your pocket?  With your spouse?  With your family?  With your co-workers?  With your Church family?  With anyone you lead?

What does putting change in my pocket look like?  Here are a few ways to put change into your pocket:

• Build integrity by…
  • Keeping your agreements. If you are having trouble keeping agreements, reduce your commitments to only those you know you will meet.
  • Be you…the authentic you God made you to be. Drop the personas.  Be real.
  • Line up your inside with your outside. If you heart and soul needs work so you can line up the inside and outside, call a Redwood, get engaged.
• Be vulnerable by…
  • Taking responsibility for mistakes and being out of integrity. (Be careful not to play the martyr in owning responsibility).  Own those instances where you have not set up those you lead well.
  • Own your feelings with those you are in relationship with. Own that you have concern that a conversation may hurt a relationship.
  • Be human. Take off the Superman cape and join the rest of humanity.
• Build your character…
  • What needs “shoring up” in your heart and soul?
  • Where are you not living the fruits of the Spirit? (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control)
  • Remember, character is what you are when no one is looking.
• Build relationships by…
  • Reach out. I have often told my kids, to have friends you must be a friend.
  • Listen to understand vs. speaking to be understood. Think in terms of “What can I contribute to this relationship?”  Ask questions about “them” rather than talk about you.
  • Connect others with others. I have always been impressed with those who introduce me to others by saying, “Have you met my friend Byron?  He has the gift of…”

These are just a few ideas on building Trust.  What came to mind for you?  I would love to hear your comments.

In what ways do you need to put change into your pocket with those around you?

Some of this may look like soft skills to the “common man”.  But we are not “common men” are we?  We have faced the fire, passed the test, and know our Gold!

Let’s do it different than our current society does.  Build trust and be the example!

Blessings

 

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“Attitude reflect leadership…Captain.”

“Attitude reflect leadership…Captain.”  That phrase haunts me.  The phrase comes from the movie Remember the Titans.  The movie is based upon a story of a High School football team in the 1960s in a school that is integrating due to desegregation.  The scene is a heated conversation between a senior team captain and a senior leader of the group of young men new to the team and school because of integration.  The coach has paired up white with black in order to allow the players to work out differences.  These two leaders clashed, and this climactic scene changes everything.  They both lay it out on the table and the senior captain points to the attitude of the other leader, which evokes the response, “Attitude reflect leadership…Captain.”  (You can watch the scene HERE)

Although this is a great movie and the scene is powerful, the focus of this article is on the quote.  I watched this movie for the first time as a young athletics coach and teacher and it hit me squarely between my eyes.  I was doing a good job in both the classroom and the on the field.  However, something was missing:  I was not getting the most out of my kids.  I was so busy focusing on, pointing out and working on mistakes that I created an atmosphere of negativity.  Sure, I needed to help my students and teams eliminate mistakes.  However, focusing on that alone cultivated more mistakes.  I could plug my “my family” into this last paragraph and see the same results.

All too often, I notice men in our work focus on their shadow and the shadow of others.  Coming with it is shame, blame and a feeling that “I must be doing something wrong because it is not getting ‘fixed’”. And in our role as spiritual, household, occupation leader, we focus on the things that need to be “fixed”.  Things do need “fixing”, but things that go well need to be noticed also.  I can so focus on my weaknesses and the weaknesses of others (the intent is to do better and doesn’t begin with a judgment) that I am blinded to what is going well, the gold.  Furthermore, I begin to project my weaknesses onto others.  If I want the people around me to apply a concept or skill, then I must be able to apply that concept or skill to myself.  If those around me have a poor attitude, then the first thing I need is to check my own.  This applies to a broader spectrum of topics than just attitude.

What are the necessary steps to make a shift in this behavior?  One thing I have learned from experience is it is not an overnight solution.  The shift requires intentional and thoughtful preparation and action.  Here are some first steps:

• Pay attention. Awareness is the first step to learning.  Am I aware that I am asking others to apply something I am not?  Where do I “preach” to those around me what I am not practicing?
• Reflect and revisit. What got me to where I am now?  What is my gift?  Am I applying it or am I wearing a persona of how I think a man should behave? Ask yourself, “What am I good at?” and “Why am I not applying this to my life?”
• Be vulnerable. Am I checking with those around me on how I am perceived?  What I am communicating may not convey my intent.  How I am perceived:  my approach, my words, my actions, my requests, may not be how I am received.  Checking in with those around me allows me to adjust in order to communicate effectively.
• Be authentic. I must be myself.  I must be good with who I am.  Manhood is not a persona.  If I rely on the persona then, my posing will have little positive effect.
• Remember the power of leader influence. I underestimate the power of my position as a man.  Just one poor interaction has the ability to “crush” someone.  I must remind myself of Matthew 7:12.  I need to approach others how I want to be approached.

How does the attitude of those following you reflect your manhood?  How do you rank in the above five areas?  I encourage you to find a mentor or a coach who can give you an outside look and perspective.    This mentor/coach needs to know little of the people you around.  He would be solely focused on you and facilitating your growth.  We who are called to be men owe it to those we lead (and ourselves) to grow on a regular basis.  In turn, those we lead will grow as well.

Byron Myers

Men’s Ministry Leader

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The Crucible Project IS NOT Church…

The Crucible Project IS NOT Church…

There is no two ways around this…I cringe when I hear, “Crucible is my Church.”  This beautiful realm of Soul Work we have all been privileged to benefit from is intended to guide us to be the men God called us to be.  In turn, I take this out into my world…my family, my job, my relationships, MY CHURCH.

Church is messy.  In a lot of ways, Church is not built for men much like school is not built with boys in mind.  Some of deepest wounds and pains come from “Church people”.  This in no way means we toss out what Jesus asks us to be a part of.

In his book Why Men Hate Going to Church, David Murrow says,

"Men will always seek God.  The only question is which God will they seek?  A God of love and peace, or a God of hatred and violence?  It’s no coincidence that the nations in which Christianity was the freely chosen religion of men are also bastions of tolerance, charity, and political stability.  And abundant research spotlights the many benefits that accrue to society and families as men engage in a local congregation."

Your presence is vital.  Your congregation needs you.  And, truthfully, your Church does not need a makeover.  I couldn’t say this any better than Murrow:

"Your congregation does not require an extreme makeover.  There’s no need for a new gospel or Jesus—the originals will work just fine.  I’m convinced that in many cases, a few gentle course corrections are all it would take for the majority of congregations to connect with more men."

This is not an exhaustive list, but a beginning of what Church offers.

• Service
• Evangelism
• Fellowship
• Pastoral guidance
• Equipping
• Worship
• Missions
• Source of Theology

We are soul-work.  Our work may have influence on or aspects of these, but we are not Church.

So, what do I do as my Soul Work has me moving away from my Church persona and it is difficult to integrate back into my congregation?  Here’s a start:

• Adopt some form of this phrase…” How do I when they don’t?” I have this new awareness and way of living.  How do I live among those who do not and may never?  Incrementally talk about how you were and how you want to be.  And live up to that journey in front of them.
• Incorporate what you have learned in Bible studies, Church classes, get togethers, your service in the world (as you represent your congregation), etc. Don’t try to convert them to “Crucible” thinking, just be who you claim as the authentic you.
• Connect with realistic expectations. Do not expect others to be something they are not, or not ready to become.  Church will likely never fully integrate our brand of Soul Work into its mission.
• Have compassion and tenderness for where the “Non-Crucible” people are in their journey. They may not be doing Church “right” in your eyes, but they are doing the best they can.  Have the same grace for them as you do your brothers who are more open to own their stuff.
• Stay connected to your group to get the Crucible needs filled. Utilize their wisdom and gifts to be your “King’s Court” in walking with you to integrate your Crucible world into your Church world.
• Bring this to God. “God, how do I…?”
• Without taking on a Victim, “I’ll take my toys and go home…” mentality, you may need to consider a new congregation that meets your giftedness and is more open to your needs. (Do this in consideration of your family first)

This by no means is an exhaustive solution.  However, it may be a place to start.  Pay attention and follow God’s leading.

Remember this:  The Crucible Project IS NOT Church!  The intention is to deepen Soul Work so that you can go be God’s man in the Church and His kingdom!

For some, this will be a challenge of “Get your rear back into the pew and be the man your Church needs!”  For others, this is a breath of fresh air as you may have been disappointed in brothers who have made Crucible the Church.

Regardless, stay connected to where you met and follow Jesus while capitalizing on the pearl of Soul Work you have found.

Blessings

 

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How to make this all work

I know that integrating back into the “real world” after a weekend experience like ours is often tough.  I have observed men do this several ways:

• “Wow, that was powerful!” But within weeks, with no follow up…like other mountain top experiences, it fades.
• “What do you mean I cannot be on the weekend leader team in my first or second staffing?” Man takes his toys and goes home, never to return.
• “How do I incorporate this in my Church, home, job, life…?” Now begins the push and pull of integrating the work.
• “I feel more powerful than I ever have.” 2 things can happen 1) The man begins to create the world he really wants.  2) The man uses it to feed an already power-hungry shadow and misuses the tool he has discovered.
• “In some ways, I wish I had not gone. Feeling like this is tough”.  The bottle of emotion has been uncorked, and it is scary.

I am sure there are other reactions, but you get the gist.  Our work is not for the faint of heart nor the passive.  I remember the line from the Accountability process, “This process will not be easy. It will require you to trade in your excuses for truth. It means looking at yourself—and you might not like what you see.”  In order to grow into the man I am called to be, I must look hard into the dark places.

Maybe you relate to one of the quotes above.  Maybe, you stand at that crossroad wondering, “What have I done to myself?  I want to be better, but this is hard.”  At those crossroads for me, I often go back to a passage from Jim Warner’s Aspirations of Greatness; mapping the midlife leader’s reconnection to self and soul.  It is a powerful read and has helped me along the way:

Until we acknowledge and welcome the shadows into the light, they govern us.  We may fear losing control if we confront them, but the reverse is actually true:  The shadows own us until we meet and know them…consider that our shadow is like a wild, unbroken stallion restrained in a corral.  We’re terrified of its power and seek to constrain it with fences.  But the stallion is a crafty animal and always finds a way to escape the corral, damage the grounds, and spook the other working horses, no matter how high we make the fences.

The solution is not bigger fences, but rather mounting and riding the stallion.  The terror may be overwhelming at first, especially if we have never ridden an unbroken horse (i.e. experienced deep emotion).  We may be thrown the first few times we try to ride him.  If we do not stay on, he may take us for a wild ride, going where he wants to go, and all we can do is hang on and follow.  But over time, as we acknowledge the strength of the beast, feel our legs on his flanks, clutch his mane in our fingers, synchronize our breathing with his, and welcome his power, we can begin to guide the horse in the directions we want to go.  If we feed him and love him, he’ll come to trust us and serve us, and no longer seek to escape the corral or spook the other horses.  The demanding task is to honor the shadow without identifying with it.  To get a taste of this, substitute your anger (or sadness, or fear) for all references to the stallion in this paragraph.

The tamed yet spirit-filled stallion becomes our ally and perhaps the manifestation of our greatness.  Our shadows may be impacted by negative influences in both the material world and the spiritual realm, but they are not evil, just disowned.  The challenge of inner transformation work is to greet them, let them lead us where they will as they express themselves, and then bless them for their good intentions and their love for us.  We must encourage them into the light where they can work positively on our behalf—as they were originally intended to do.  For example, disowned anger brought into the light and honored can be transformed into clean boundaries.

Jacob had to face this Stallion in his life.  Go back and read about his life.  In fact, look at Joseph, Jacob’s son.  Look at king David.  When I look at the humanity of the great men of the Bible we read about, I see them facing the hard looks at themselves.  I suppose that is some of the reason God allowed us a peek into their lives.

When will you begin to approach and ride the stallion vs. building the bigger fence?  Maybe you’re riding right now.  Then continue…learn his ways, feel his power and breathing.  And then go and be the man God called you to be with a healthy, masculine power your world needs!

Blessings

PS Don’t do this alone!  Join a group.  These men are riding their stallions too!

 

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Comparison…

Galatians 6:3-5  3If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.  4Each one should test his own actions.  Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5for each one should carry his own load.

How often do I compare myself to others?  As a man, I have always stepped into a room of men and known very quickly where I fit.  I see who the “leaders” are, where my energy fits, etc.  I catch myself making judgments according to where someone is in his life compared to where I am.  I will compare where I am spiritually to others.  I will compare myself vocationally with others.  I will compare myself financially with others.

It is a natural tendency in the masculine to compare.  However, this comparison can be deceptive.

Let’s break this passage up. Starting in verse 3…the deception is twofold.  First, if I compare myself to someone I perceive as more “lowly” than me, and then I am deceived by a false sense of superiority.  That sense of superiority allows me to become a “poser” and believe I am something I am not.  I get a false security in my superiority and I am either set up for a fall or I am not prepared for my next step in my transformation.  Take for instance athletics.  If I compare myself to what I perceive as an inferior opponent I may get a false sense of how good I really am.  When I then run into an equal or superior opponent I am set up for a beating.

Secondly, if I compare myself to those that I perceive as “superior” to me, then I get a feeling that I will never reach where that person is spiritually, physically, financially, and/or vocationally.  When I do this, I set up my life to be a victim of my circumstances and begin to shift blame vs. responsibility.

Paul tells us in verse 4 to test our own actions.  He tells us to compare ourselves with ourselves…so to speak.  I take this as reflecting back on where I was and where I am now.  When I take time to reflect, I realize that God has been transforming me all along.  This also allows me to set goals for myself that are attainable within my realm not somebody else’s.  I want to take a side note here.  This does not mean that we set “safe” goals.  I believe we are to step out into situations that seem lofty or impossible in order to be stretched by God.  That would be subject for another discussion another time.  The main point here is, do not work off of someone else’s goals and aspirations.  Work off of yours…it will give you a better depiction of where you are.

By testing my own actions, I am now able to compare myself with myself.  I am able to get a true measure of where I am, where I have been, and where I am going.  And, I believe that once I have done this, it actually frees me to carry my own load without relying on others to set the bar for me.  Once I have hit a milestone, I can take pride in the work I have done through the power that God has given me.

So remember…”If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.  Each one should test his own actions.  Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load.”

Here are some questions and challenges to consider:

• How do you compare yourself with others?
• How do you follow the “twofold deception”?
• How does it make you feel when you compare yourself with those “inferior” to you?
• How does it make you feel when you compare yourself with those “superior” to you?
• Where in your life do/have you compared yourself with yourself and taken pride in what you have accomplished?

Spend some time in meditation over this passage.  Ask Jesus to come alongside of you and point out to you (a) where you need to do your own inner comparison and (b) what transformation in your life you have accomplished.

Blessings…Byron

 

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A New Start

Last month’s article was about reflection.  It was a set up for this month.  In order to step into planning 2021, I must reflect on 2020 to gain perspective, then move forward.

Fresh starts are important.  After formerly being in education for 30 years, I have come to value new semesters, end of and beginnings of school years.  Similarly, we see God’s people in the Bible take note of new starts.  With each new start, has come a renewed feeling and path.  I do like fresh starts.  There is something about the new that gives me hope and a renewed sense of expectation.

Furthermore, I am reminded what John Eldredge says in Wild at Heart, “…but in the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue.”  For us as men, this begins with a “want” (much like our retreats) or vision for our new start.

I will admit however, that I have rarely been moved by “New Year’s Resolutions”.  To list a set of resolutions was not motivating for me.  I have also often struggled with goal-setting in my life.  Over the last few years, I have been on a journey of goal-setting that has been more effective than resolution-making.  What transpired was a two-part exercise I tried out in my group at the time.  Each man felt challenged by these steps and it has in turn helped me with my goal-setting at the beginning of a new year.  Hopefully, this two-part method can be helpful in some way for you as well.  Use it as needed.  It may only be a helpful prompt.

Here is the method I have used of late:

I reiterate that it is important to begin with reflection.  It is hard to move forward in growth without reflecting where I have been.  Once I have really let sink in where I have been and what I have accomplished, then I am ready to move forward.

• Step one – What do I want for yourself in this coming year? This general brainstorming.  Just the wants, no steps yet.
• Step two – What kind of man do you want to be? Your reflection time revealed who you have been.  How do you improve on who you have been?  It is important for you to step fully into the man God made you to be.
• Step three – Envision that man. Ask yourself these questions:
• What do I do as that man?
• How do I act as that man?
• What is the first thing I do when I get up in the morning as that man?
• How do I treat others as that man? (Family, friends, co-workers, etc.?)
• How do I treat myself? Am I taking care of my needs in healthy ways?
• What does my walk with God look like? How do I improve that?
• Step four – Based upon the characteristics of the man you want to be, what goals would you set for yourself?
• First, brainstorm and list any goals that come to mind.
• Second, become more specific with those goals.
• Third, look over the list and make sure they are both challenging and realistic.
• Step five – What would keep you from reaching these goals? This very important.  If you do not look at what will keep you from reaching your goals, then you may enter into the year with blind spots.  Look at both external barriers as well as internal barriers.
• What outside forces will get in the way?
• What about you; your fears, flaws, selfishness, etc. will keep you from reaching your goals?
• Step six – What pain must you experience in order to grow and meet your goals? Pain is important for growth.  I remember Proverbs 21:30 when stepping into growth pain; “Blows and wounds scrub away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.”  All the great ones had to struggle.
• Step seven – What are your first actions you will take towards your goals for the year? By when will you have taken the first action step?  Set a date and be specific.

This is the first part of the exercise.  The second part only drives it deeper.  Use the four quarters as a guide:

KING – What is your vision, dream, and/or expectation for the coming year?

SAGE – What steps will you take toward fulfilling the vision, dream, and/or expectation?  What is the plan?

WARRIOR – What actions will you take now, and in the future, to implement these steps and fulfill your vision, dream, and/or expectation?

LOVER – Who’s heart(s) and needs do you need to consider when you implement your plan?  How do you consider your heart and needs?  How will you meet your internal little boy’s needs?

Many of us step into our goals and plans only using 1-2 of the parts of ourselves.  The goal here is to step in with our whole selves.

Hopefully this will prompt you to some sort of goal-setting for yourself for the coming year.  All or part of this method could be used for both long term and short term goal-setting.  The important thing to note is to start somewhere.  Give yourself grace.  Be who God made you to be.  I hope you step into the greatest year to date.

Blessings

Byron Myers

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Reflection on 2020 | An Exercise

Wow, what a tough year 2020 has been.  I do not have to recap what has happened.  It has been historic and unprecedented.  I believe that it is important that we reflect on how we showed up.

One of my focus points in developing leaders is application of skills to all areas of life.  As we come to the close of this surreal year, consider reflection as another aspect of development.  Reflection is valuable in that we are able to evaluate and measure what we set out to accomplish as well as celebrate met goals.  John C. Maxwell says this about reflection, “Learning to pause allows growth to catch up with you.”  A time of pause and reflection can be a valuable asset towards leader development.

How do I turn this time of pause and reflection into valuable growth?  Well, as many of us do, I have broken this reflection time into some areas of focus.  If you are like me, you may be thinking, “Where do I start?”  Furthermore, if I spend much time putting together a reflection exercise, it can become too intensive for an article.  Therefore, my attempt here is to create some prompts for you to use your own creativity and match up a time of reflection relevant to your needs.  Keep in mind that the purpose of the reflection is to continue growth and development.

A great jumping off point for me is to look back over my calendar.  My calendar gives me some idea of where I spent my time.  To enhance the reflection, I could also look at my bank records to see where I have spent money.  Whatever the starting point, choose some method to jar the memory.

Once a starting point has been determined, it is important to come up with some questions to ask.  Some examples could be:

• What did I do with my time?
• Was I effective?
• What was my highest high?
• What was my lowest low?
• What did I do to grow this last year?
• How did I avoid growth?
• Where did I waste time/money?
• Did I accomplish set goals?

I hope that these questions will serve as prompts.  The key is creating some questions in order to begin assessing the year.

The next step in the process will be to take the above questions and apply them to different aspects of your life.  Here are three possible major areas of life to apply the reflections questions:

• Relationship with God – In what ways did I improve my relationship with God? Did I make this a priority?  I believe that if I start here, everything else will trickle down.
• Relationship with others – How did I do with my family? Was I intentional with relationships outside my family?
• My occupation – How did I do in my job? If making a career change, what impact did it have?

Just like the questions, these are suggestions and prompts.  What three major areas would you reflect upon as you look at your year?

Once a method of reflection has been established, begin to apply any learning to these areas:

1. Turn your reflections and experiences into insight. What can your experience teach you?  What improvements can you make?  What do you need to let go of going into next year?
2. Everyone needs a time of slow down. In this time, it helps you check to see if you are on the right track.  It helps with “course corrections”.
3. Reflection with intention helps clear the mind. It helps in deciding what is important.  It clears out some room for innovation.

No matter the method.  Whether or not any of these questions or prompts are useful.  I hope that in some form or fashion, you will take time to reflect on your year.  As one of my mentors encouraged me to do after I have lead on a weekend; take time to celebrate what you have done well and then look at what you could have done better.  Afterwards, look at where you have grown and where you need to grow next.  Maybe even involve a close friend in your reflection.  Maybe spend a family time of reflection.  The key:  REFLECT.  The results may surprise you.

Blessings

Byron Myers

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Leadership Transition Update

 

The Crucible Project became a 501c3 ministry in 2005 and has been led by a long line of volunteer Redwoods who served as Board Chair.  Redwoods who volunteer their time in these vital leadership positions annually choose the one they trust to lead the board in this vital position.

Tim Hoeppner has served as a board member since 2015 and as the board chair for all but his first year.  His vision helped support the growth of the organization and the development of a board led to a sound, mission-centric team of diverse board members.

When Tim announced that he would likely be stepping out of the board chair over a year ago, the Nominations Committee began having conversations about his replacement.  Overwhelmingly, board members recommended Linda Oury step into the role as our next board chair January 1, 2021.

Tim stated, “It has been wonderful to be a part of this talented board of Christ-like Redwoods.  I am so pleased that Linda Oury agreed to serve as the next board chair and anticipate the board under her leadership will provide the high-level of guidance that I have tried to provide over these past several years.”

Linda shared the following statement.

“I am honored and humbled to take this role given the deep impact Crucible has had on Lon’s and my marriage, our family, and lives.  Huge thanks to Tim for how he grew the board using his keen ability to distill issues, listen to all board members, and lead from a place of faith.

I'm excited about our 5-year plan and the innovative services it brings for reaching more men and women in new geographies.   We go forward trusting our King for wisdom and guidance in this next phase of Crucible.  With that, I'm in....”

Roy Wooten shared, “I will remain forever grateful for Tim’s years of excellent leadership and service to Crucible.  I am excited about Linda’s depth of corporate leadership experience that she brings to this position.  Her and Lon’s love of Crucible over the last decade-plus and her deep wisdom will serve the stability and continuity of what God is doing through his ministry.”

May God continue to bless this ministry and those who serve in leadership.

 

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Two Year Transformational What?

Chris Cleghorn and Bill Snyder lead a Two Year Transformational Group in Chicagoland.  These groups are a natural progression of doing an initial weekend.

The purpose of the program is to help men live with courage, integrity and grace so they can be the best men they can be. It supports men in their masculine journey to live as whole men who are warriors, lovers, sages and kings, like Jesus. By creating an experiential, grace-filled environments for emotional and spiritual transformation, it unleashes men’s purpose, passion and power in the world.

Now online during the COVID19 crisis, their group has been doing just  fine. Chris states, "We are a  local area group and there was a quick adjustment to online in March.  Online meetings “work” fine; men would prefer to be in personal yet the deep work happens. There is reduced travel time for group. Coaching has been powerful and rich. Over the past three months many men whose two years are up have checked out.  We have added one man and look to add two or three more.  The group connection has helped men who have been taken out of other  contexts where they are with others face to face and this level of depth, despite not physically together, is touching a  need men feel for honesty and connection."

Men who are in the program give their praise:

• "I've been able to connect my head and heart."
• "The program frees me up to lead in the way that God designed me."
• “The major benefit is that I am able to continue the work in a safe container. Going deeper with my work, which hasn’t been easy, has been very good. Things that plagued me throughout much of life are starting to clear up, and I’ve built both awareness and tools to help my most important relationships.”

As a member, you get to attend all four second level Crucible retreats, three monthly group meetings and benefit from an experienced coaching relationship.

• Discover and live your God-given purpose as a man.
• Become a more authentic man who lives at deeper levels of integrity.
• Discover your inner, God-given strength as a man and live with greater confidence and courage.
• Live more courageously as a man – willing to shake things up and take risks; penetrating your world.
• Become more alive – living from your heart.
• Learn to let go of the sexual shame you carry and embrace your sexuality as a sacred gift – full of life, connection and creativity.
• Build more authentic, loving relationships with others.
• Become a more effective leader in your life.

Interested?  Contact bduke@thecrucibleproject.org

For more insights, watch these stories from Two Year Grads and Leaders

https://youtu.be/2ivIlTSfMUU

https://youtu.be/TxbkM3Bl3BM

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Brothers in the God Show

Radhames Quezada lives in Pimentel, Dominican Republic and John Redstone  in Granite City, IL.   John accompanied his daughter on her school mission trip for hurricane relief in Puerto Rico.  Their liaison with Group International Missions was Radhames - full of energy, leading devotions and speaking to the teens.  His calling was to minister and love people and this opportunity to work as a liaison seemed to be what he and his family needed, as they were struggling on a financial ledge.

One night after devotion John looked out and saw Radhames standing in the rain after he had been on the phone with his wife. His wife was pregnant with another baby and their finances were stretched to the breaking point.

Radhames recalled, “I felt weak and alone.  Here I'm the one speaking to people - leading and preaching but there was nobody for me to be vulnerable with.” 

John came out to speak with Radhames, and listened. Radhames was able to process his feelings - to be vulnerable with a safe man - and the two formed a friendship.

John recalls, “At the end of the week Radhames told me he often travels to the U.S. to get support for the school his wife works at in the Dominican. Radhames stated that he borrows enough money to get himself to Colorado and then he relies on God to get him enough money to get to his next destination and pledges to support the school monthly. I let him know that he could stay in our home anytime he was passing through the St. Louis area.” 

The weekend Radhames was going to stay with John happened to be a weekend that The Crucible Project was hosting a weekend in Chicago (May 24th-26th) John told Radhames about a men’s retreat he wanted him to go and Radhames agreed. 

Radhames did his homework, packed his supply list sent to him, and his laptop and Missionary T Shirts just in case he got an opportunity to speak at the Men’s Conference. John signed up to staff and spoke with the Weekend Leader about arriving Friday night with a participant. They arrived near Fox Valley and John pulled over and asked Radhames to drive the last few miles of the trip. When they met the Road Warrior Radhames realized that this was not what he was expecting!

Radhames stated,“If I can trust someone at my most vulnerable point, I can trust him when he invites me to a retreat!   In my head I was expecting a gathering of hundreds of men; worship service at night and teaching in the day! When I got there, I thought, ‘This is not what I expected, but shut up and take one for John, and I did.’”

Radhames never questioned the process -  he just bravely faced everything God was doing in him as a man. Brave Lion emerged on Saturday afternoon and he looked at John and said, “I’m going to punch you in the face!” as he grabbed John for a secret handshake.

The God Show formed them as true brothers that weekend and they communicate almost weekly. 

Radhames current mission is focusing his efforts on providing the city of Pimentel with PPE for doctors and others as the country is reopening in the middle of this pandemic.

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Next Man: Marc Dekkers

Marc is involved in The Crucible Project in Colorado.  He resides in Loveland with his family.  We recently caught up to him to ask about living a balanced life.

Q:  When were you first aware or first learn that you needed to have a balance of work/rest/relationships in your life?

A:  This became very apparent to me about 10 years ago.  The key word here is balance. I was really good at dialing in at work.  I worked about an hour from home and was amazing at working long hours; being gone from home for an absurd amount of hours.  On the weekends, I was good at spending all of my time with buddies and not great connecting with my family.

During the week I was so busy doing "work" things - when I was away from work, it was important to do whatever I wanted to do.  Me time. Not necessarily what I should be doing, simply whatever I wanted to do.  This cost was a close relationship with my wife and children.  A selfish life focusing mostly on me. Looking back, work was an escape and partially what I wanted to do.

Leading up to my initial weekend, I started noticing the effects of my decisions.  I decided to make a change and make my family a priority. I needed to make money, but found a job closer to home with half of the commute.  I additionally saw the importance of other men in my life and made time for that as well.

Q: Taking care of ourselves is vital to being healthy men.  How have you set up your life to maintain that, especially as it pertains to work and life outside of work?

A: I am learning a balance between family, relationships, and work.  Although not perfectly, but I set some guardrails, including limiting the amount of evenings I am away for groups. 

My mornings are spent meeting one on one with men,  during the school year my family is out of the house, so I don't miss time with them.  Being efficient as possible at work helps limit the amount of evenings spent working late and being away from my family.

Q: In relation to Sabbath rest - any spiritual insights you have are welcome and how has taking time out benefited you and those around you, especially in serving others?

A: I am a musician and give my time in that capacity at church.  As my Crucible work increased, I cut my time back with the worship team.  At one point, 4 months passed where I did not participate. I thought I was doing what was best, but I began to notice that something wasn't right.  

I slowly identified what was missing and it was music. God uses music to help me relax and rejuvenate, and to connect with Him. From the camaraderie with the other musicians, to leading God's people into worship, it is a different outlet than leading groups.  Music takes me away from home for the majority of the weekend, so I need to consider that when planning the week before and the week after.

Q: What would you tell other Crucible men who feel out of sorts in their lives and need encouragement to get back on track?

A:  Number one, give yourself a lot of grace.  It's not easy to balance. You are going to fail.  At the time of writing this, my work load has increased, and I'm spending far too much time working.  While I do believe it is simply a season, it has begun to cause conflict at home. It would be easy to go into a place of anger or shame, but it's important to frequently assess and come up with goals.

Frequently assess.  How is your marriage?  How is your relationship with your children?  How are your relationships with friends? Being self-aware is key.  I believe the soul likes to be in integrity and when it's not, the Holy Spirit has a way of letting you know.  Something feels a bit off. Go with that. Explore it. Self-awareness is a practiced and learned skill; find men who are willing to speak honestly to you.  Trust them to help uncover your blind spots. Again, not as an exercise of shame or guilt, but as an opportunity to become better.

As with any life-change goals, start off small and attainable.  Don't try to completely reinvent who you are. Start off with some small things and give yourself wins!  If you fail, take time to consider why. The reasons may be internal, or they may be external. Control what you can

Learn to say no.  While I struggle with this, it's important.  I like to be seen and acknowledged, and I don't like to let people down, so it's easy for me to say yes.  Sometimes, it's okay to say no.

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Next Man:  Chadd Schroeder

I live near Amherst, Texas with my wonderful wife Nancy. We will soon celebrate 30 years of marriage. We have three daughters: Morgan, Natali and Cecilia. I work with men on a family farm where we raise cotton, corn, wheat and a few cattle.

· After 19 years as a missionary to Mexico I did my initial weekend in 2010 with one of my coworkers James Henderson. My family and I had recently moved back to Texas. We had been focused on paths to lasting transformation and men’s work for years--immediately knew that this experience was the real deal. Wanted more for ourselves. And began thinking “Wow! Wouldn’t it be great for our Mexican friends to get something like this!” We wondered what might happen.

· So James and I began staffing weekends and inviting bilingual missionary friends and coworkers to do a weekend. We began scheming with Crucible leadership about what it would take to launch an initial weekend in Mexico. We worked hard on our own soul work—which was often excruciating! And we noticed our growth. We looked for key Mexican leaders who were bilingual and found a way for them to come to Texas and do a weekend…and later staff a few weekends with us in Texas. Over the next couple of years we formed a core team of Spanish speakers—from Mexico and U.S. And in late 2014 with 17 staff or so, we did our first 1-carpet initial weekend outside of Mexico City with 13 strategically chosen participants who were both friends and leaders in several of the mission sites where we had focused in the past. We felt green and barely ready. We wondered what might happen.

 

· Since then more than 180 men have done their initial weekend in Mexico. We will have our 10th initial weekend in early May 2019. We are beginning preparations for the 3rd second level weekend in 2020. There are developing Crucible communities and developing Mexican leaders in Mexico City, Tenancingo, Toluca, and Guadalajara. There are newly initiated men in many other Mexican cities as well. There are multiple local soul groups and Zoom/Skype groups where men continue to do their soul group—where men dream about what might happen and how their world might change! Crisol is Mexican now and has a growing Mexican flavor. And men who live in and work in and care about other Spanish speaking nations are hearing about Crisol. Spain. Costa Rica. Cuba. Nicaragua. Columbia. They are asking to send a few of their men to see for themselves. We wonder what might happen!

 

· And now it seems, Crisol is coming back to the U.S.! On June 21-23, we will offer the first ever Spanish-speaking Crucible Weekend on U.S. soil near North Zulch, Texas outside of Houston. Several Crucible men from Mexico along with Spanish speakers in the larger Crucible community are teaming up with local Houston Crucible men to open a new door into their community of men—a door for friends and coworkers who, because of language limitations, could not otherwise have the Crucible experience. Spanish speaking Latinos will be able to do their deep soul work in their heart language. We know they will find God and healing. We know they will be welcomed into a community of strong and safe men in Houston who will allow them to bring their “flavor” to the mix. And in Houston, and in other US cities, we wonder what might happen!

 

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Next Man:  Vern Penrod

Vern Penrod has done it all. A Master Tech for 20 years at auto dealers, he’s been an entrepreneur owning service companies, including the real estate and graphics industries. A well-known fixture in staffing Crucible weekends in the Midwest – both Chicagoland and KC/StL/Tulsa regionals have benefited from his presence. Almost two years ago, Vern and his wife Kathy (a Woman Revealed grad & staffer) moved to a small parcel of land they owned in Missouri, where he took a job teaching automotive classes at a local college – and providing an experienced Crucible man to the KC/StL/Tulsa Region. Vern’s adult daughters include oldest daughter (Kimberly and Jeff Pelletier) and her husband - both Women Revealed/Crucible graduates. Kimberly has written for well known Christian authors and is currently authoring a short series for Christianity Today. Middle daughter (Julie and Josh Birky) is a licensed counselor and has an office on the U of I campus. Josh headed the department that writes grant proposals for Parkland Community College and teaches college courses at Parkland Community College in Champaign. Youngest daughter (Sarah and Dan Porter) is also a Women Revealed graduate and Dan is an ordained Anglican Priest. Sarah is currently studying for her nursing degree in Colorado.  He has 5 grandchildren and tragically lost a grandson in 2011. Of course, many of you know Vern for his passions: Hunting, fishing for bass and smoking cigars. “Feel The Vern” is actually a T-shirt! When did you do your initial weekend? March 2011.  Probably the worst point in my life. Effectively homeless, I couldn’t afford a place to live or an office to open my real estate company. The economy had destroyed my business and I lost my home and our marital separation stemmed from that mess. Renting an office and sleeping on a free sofa I got - I lived in that one room office for two years, thinking it would only be two or three weeks. Kathy and I were separated and headed toward divorce - however neither of us would give in and give up. When the Crucible men asked me, “Why did you come to this weekend?”, I said “just looking for a reason to wake up tomorrow, because honestly, I don’t have one.”  We had just buried Jonan (grandson) 7 weeks ago and life sucked from every angle. I began the weekend as “sheep” - it seemed people used me (sheered me) and when there was nothing left to give, they would kill and eat me. By the end of the weekend I was “Soaring Eagle”.  I felt free again after dealing with childhood issues that controlled me. I remember thinking, “what the hell is this” and also felt safe with a glimmer of hope after checking in. I saw authentic Christian men who were sincerely investing in the lives of hurting men. I had just experience real church for the first time in my life. I loved it! So what has happened since that weekend? I have done many carpet works since then and progressed to “Screaming Eagle” and then who I am today “Thundering Lion." I started the Two-Year Transformational Program in Feb 2012. On my initial weekend I began to rediscover my power, taking a few more year to understand it. Today my intense anger and rage are all but gone. I am able to control that anger and use it to benefit others and myself. I was co-leading a soul group with Matt Hayes stopping due to work schedule. I was too intimidated knowing who the previous leader was and never really felt comfortable in that role, always in my mind comparing myself to him and coming up way short. I lacked the boldness to bring what I had to offer, hesitating to step into my power. I also helped create a post two-year group with four other men that I graduated with: Larry Korbus, Terry Gjeldum, Dana D’Anza and Paul Busse. Although physically isolated down here in Missouri, I maintain telephone contact with various Crucible men on three scheduled days each week.   I have staffed 25 initial and 2 second level weekends. I prefer the initial weekends to staff due to the experience and discovery that men have on those life changing weekends. What changes have you seen in your life? Life has changed: My wife and kids would say I’m a much gentler man. Slower to judge - more open to hearing another person’s life experiences. I now understand that I make choices everyday that guide my life. I understand that when I judge someone else, it’s really something coming up for me inside and ask “how is that about me” or “in what ways am I like that?" Often times that revelation is a bit disturbing and I want it out of me RIGHT NOW!! From this place, I find myself more compassionate and more in tune with other people's struggles rather than the sometimes ugly results of those struggles. Give us insight about doing Crucible work in two different regions. When I moved to Missouri I already staffed with many of the key KC/StL/Tulsa men. It was easy to plug in and get going with these men. KC is a 2.5-hour drive and StL is 3.5 hours. I have felt extremely welcomed by all of the men finding great encouragement and support. Its a blessing to be a part of my new region and to be welcomed back to the Chicago area staffing at Williams Bay. It’s always great beyond words to spend some time with men that have been a significant part of my journey, which of course started at Williams Bay and now continues in Perry, KS. What motivates you to keep doing this work? The need I see in myself to be better for my wife and my kids, and of course for God. HE gave it all for me and deserves everything I can muster up in return. My own issues are really the only things that get in the way. Continuing my work is by far the most effective way to deal with and heal those issues. Secondly, I have a great desire to help other men on THEIR journey and that requires me to always be improving and discovering and overcoming myself. I encourage EVERY man to get plugged into to any Crucible community any way they can. Even being down here by myself, connecting with other initiated men on the phone each week is invaluable. I can’t imagine plowing though life and not reverting to my default settings without real, genuine, Crucible brothers in my life!

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Next Man:  Don Davis

Born in Detroit, but raised in the Chicago suburbs, Don Davis discovered his love of learning - and took off for a career in education.  Teaching middle and high school a combined 25 years, including 2 in Brazil, he's been married to Julie for the same amount of time.  Don also loves CrossFit (which has it's own special spelling) so much, he has built a "pretty sweet garage gym." Q:  Share your Crucible Project origins with us. Don:  I went on my initial weekend in November of 2012 at Williams Bay, WI to make John Jackson stop asking me to attend one.  John and I had been working out together for years.  I was able to watch him grow through his initial weekend and two year program.  He really wanted me to go and would invite me at every opportunity.  I felt there was something there, but didn't go with a clear sense of crisis, or even a clear want.  The Lord directed my steps and made my needs clear when I saw the Sensei - I wanted God to explain why my wife and I were unable to have children.  The weekend allowed me space to tap into the sadness, anger, and shame I had been holding for years.  God explained how His heart was also broken by that news, and was always there with me.  I came into the weekend as Peacock, and left as Silverback Gorilla. Q:  What's been going on since that weekend for you? Don: The Sunday morning on my initial weekend, I was feeling great about the breakthrough I made on the carpet, wrestling with God.  It was in that moment that I heard God whisper, "There's more there, you know."  It was then I knew I had to get into the two-year program.  I talked with my wife about it, and she said, "If this program can free you up to lead in the way I see God has designed you, I'll pay whatever they want."  I joined right away in January of 2013, and jumped in to staffing as well.  Since graduating from the program, I've continued my work in a graduate group that meets twice a month, and entered into the leadership track with Crucible, staffing as much as my schedule will allow. The two-year program was a game-changer for me.  The greatest learning throughout my time in Crucible has revolved around my shadow.  Always a passionate people-pleaser, I was good at making myself useful and doing what it took for people to like me.  This left me completely disconnected from my own emotions.  I could not identify what I would want in any situation; my want was dependent on what others would want from me.  In leadership roles, to lead out of a need to please others,  I got what I wanted through passive-aggressive manipulation.  Working to get my shadow out in front of me, I can lead out of a place of confidence, with a true love of those I lead, not needing to please them. Q:  What changes and motivations have you seen on this transformational journey? Don:  The work I’ve done in Crucible has given me a language of emotions that I did not have before.  It has helped me to connect my head and my heart, and when that happens, it allows me to be fully present to what is happening with me in the moment.  This has benefitted my wife, family, and friends by allowing me to be clean in my language and my intent.  I’m able to be more authentic, as my work with Crucible has given me the courage to accept both my gold and my shadow, rather than try to hide. One of the changes that people I work with have noticed is in my language.  I speak of “commitments” and hold myself and others to the commitments that are made.  I work with people to help them discover what is “underneath” the emotion that they bring to a situation.  I feel my work has made me a safer man in many ways.  I mean what I say, I do what I say, and I’m more confident in my ability to handle my emotions and the emotions of others. There are times when I get a glimpse of the husband I want to be.  Maybe I handle a situation with tenderness rather than anger or find myself able to be present to Julie as we talk.  This motivates me to want more of this.  As I step into my world to make it the place I want be, I discover more gold and more shadow and I love the process of self-discovery.  It isn’t always easy.  It doesn’t always feel wonderful, but it makes me want more of it. Q:  What are you working on in your growth this year? Don: I’m aware that I have put much of my warrior into shadow.  I created a story that when I accessed my warrior, it was an uncontrollable and punishing energy, rather than an energizing and motivating energy.  I’m working on the messages that I’ve taken in around my warrior; learning the truth about how I can use this energy for good. Q:  How about some reading recommendations for men? Don: I’m a huge fan of Susan Scott’s Fierce Conversations.  It includes many of the principles taught in the Crucible Project applied to work and home environments.  I’ve lead a book study on in with other administrators in my building and it helped shape the culture in our building.  Read The Lord of the Rings to remind us that we all have a part to play in this story and no part is small.  Read The Boys in the Boat to learn about what it means to be a part of a team and live in community.  Read The Return of the Prodigal Son by Nouwen to better understand how God looks at us.  Read The Power of Habit to help you understand why you do the things you do, how to identify triggers and ways to change your response to them.  Read the Chief Inspector Gamache series by Louise Penny to be inspired by a man who knows who he is and accepts both the gold and the shadow. And if you need a funny yet insightful shot of self-help, read You are a Badass by Jen Sincero for some clear direction in getting the life you want.

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Next Man:  JD Ackley

JD Ackley was raised in the Philadelphia metro area in southern New Jersey, spending 4 years in the Army, supporting Apache helicopters. A longstanding career in Voice over IP provided him with a comfortable living, and as he puts it, “the trappings of the American dream: marriage, divorce, addictions and emptiness.” Moving to the Midwest to start a new venture, he discovered the God-shaped hole in his heart, beginning a relationship with Jesus while attending Willow Creek. Newly remarried with a daughter, things looked good – until the economy tanked and he experienced a renewed struggle to surrender his life to Christ. Q: Tell us about your initial weekend. JD: My initial weekend was August 6th in St Charles, IL. I recently moved back to the Midwest with my 2nd marriage in tatters and a sense of disgust with how life was going. At my wits end in dealing with the fall-out of my actions, a mentor signed me up. Not knowing what I was getting into, I held onto hope and recalled the comfort a relationship with Jesus brought to my life. I entered numb and despondent with the animal name Chameleon. During the weekend, I received a deep understanding about the root issues that caused the ruts I continued to travel. Q: What has been happening since then? JD: Thirsty for more right after my initial weekend, it took me a month to join a transition group. Putting it off, I was convinced the price was not worth “paying for another men’s group”. I was wrong! It was great to get into my work, be around honest, open men, all led by a strong, mature leader. During the 12 weeks I attended two more second level weekends and bonded with some great men. Afterwards, I progressed to the 2-year group and have staffed an initial weekend. Q: What are ways you and others around you have benefited from your Crucible work? JD: I have grown immensely by being aware of what baggage I am bringing into everyday life situations and address my feelings and thoughts accordingly. My temper has retreated to a fraction of what it used to be, and not only has this had a huge impact on my marriage but has certainly made me more away of my actions and words to our young daughter. The type of man I am as a role model for my daughter has motivated me to dig deep and understand what triggers me to act in a way inconsistent to how I want to represent myself, the kind of man I desire to be. She has been an active mirror of my behavior and my bad habits shine through magnified. I have worked hard to build openness and trust in my marriage this year with new levels of communication and sharing. Q: Any more insights to share? JD:  My greatest insight in this work has been the realization that another man’s work is also my work. Walking shoulder to shoulder with my Crucible brothers has helped me discover, understand, and heal many aspects of my life and lead me closer to being the beautiful creature God designed. “The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective” by Richard Rohr has helped me frame up so many parts of my personality and come to a new level of understanding of my habits. The clarity the Enneagram sheds on not only my destructive habits but also what actions are highly functional has helped me immensely. https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ has been a great companion resource.

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Next Man: Adam Parchert

Adam lives with his wife (17 years) and two sons in Carpentersville, IL.  He is the owner of Zillion Social Media, a Social Media company that primarily works with the hospitality industry.  Five years ago, Adam planted H2O Church in Carpentersville.  H2O, is a non-denomination church focused on showing the love of Jesus to the community.  He enjoys watching Doctor Who with his family, and periodically fires up the bagpipes to play a rousing Scottish tune (sometimes to wake up men on weekends)! Q:  Tell us about your initial weekend. Adam:  My Initial Weekend in March 2015 at Williams Bay, WI was very transformative.  Entering with the animal name 'earwig', because my sin, my struggle was ever present and life controlling.  The earwig seemed to be a small, invasive bug that would take full control of the attention of whosever ear it placed itself in.  I became Free Phoenix in addressing my struggle face to face and pushing it out of my life.  The weekend was a life changer.  It was clear that God had been preparing me for that time and place. Q: What's happened since that weekend? Adam:  I've staffed 3-4 times and am part of a weekly Soul Group.  To me, the crucible community has been a great support during recent struggles in my family.  This has been a tough year.  Through it all, I have a group of guys to call upon for personal support, prayer and accountability.  Sometimes just going and grabbing lunch has really helped me keep it all together.  I am blessed to have three Crucible men in my church and their support has been critical over these last few months. Q: What are the changes and benefits you've seen in all this work? Adam:  The biggest change since my Crucible weekend is being much more intentional about choices that I make.  A big part was realizing the legacy I am leaving for my two sons.  Each week brings to mind the intentionality behind the things I say and actions I do around my boys.  My love and desire for them to grow into young men of God, full of integrity is stronger than ever.  God introduced me to the Crucible Weekend at the perfect time so I could have the most positive impact on my kids. Q: What motivates you to keep growing and what areas are you experiencing growth this year? Adam: My wife and sons.  I want to be the best me for them.  I cannot control other people.  I can control myself. That simple realization motivates me to continually push to be the best version of myself for my family and friends. This year, I am growing in my role as a husband and father. Due to health struggles within my family, I have been put into a role of watching over the kids and the house in addition to my church and business duties.  The first half of this year was a huge learning curve for me in how to serve as a father and a husband. God has been faithful and things continue to improve on a daily basis. I encourage all men to go out of their way to live life with deep intentionality. You ultimately only have control over yourself.  So, do the best you possibly can at your disposal and leave a positive legacy in your wake, everywhere you go.

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Next Man: Paul Storaci

Paul Storaci lives in Boulder, Colorado, recently retired after 27 years with Ball Aerospace & Technologies Corporation in a number of engineering technical, operational and strategic leadership roles. He and his wife of 31 years have five children. Paul’s Journey to The Crucible Project: “I was aware of The Crucible Project from Mexico City missionary, James Henderson. He told a group of us about the transformation in men – more than anything he had ever seen. James' testimony had a big impact on me. Chicago and Texas seemed too far to go at the time. Months later, my Pastor, Jim Burgen, went to a weekend and became a vocal proponent of the impact it had on his life. Soon thereafter, a Crucible weekend was brought to Colorado, so I jumped on board in October 2014.” Getting into the Weekend: “I had little idea of what to expect on the initial weekend, and was one of those guys who had a vague idea of wanting to be more spiritual. Once the weekend started what I wanted started to become much clearer. I was very uneasy for much of the weekend but kept telling myself James and Jim would not lead me astray. I not only persevered, but I went for it every chance I got. The impact of the initial weekend was and continues to be profound. Getting to understand how my shadow was controlling me, this weekend along with the continued work has increasingly enabled me to keep my shadows in front of me, they have less ability to control and negatively impact those around me. I began a journey to not repress feelings, but to trust and use that energy to tap into my power as a man, a good man. My animal name is Laughing Grizzly.” Next Steps: Paul joined a Soul Group as soon as one came along in Colorado – and then joined the Two Year Program. “The major benefit is that I am able to continue the work in a safe container. Going deeper with my work, which hasn’t been easy, has been very good. Things that plagued me throughout much of life are starting to clear up, and I’ve built both awareness and tools to help my most important relationships.” “In dealing with my repressed anger – and other emotions, I’m learning to work and trust the energy I associate with anger. Setting boundaries and using that energy to bless those around me – I’m doing even deeper work which should prove to have bigger transformative impact on my life.” “I continue this work with staffing because I have compassion towards men and what they go through in life, often times alone. Staffing helps me grow personally as well. Families, communities and the world changes for the better as initiated men ‘go first.’ Each time I’ve staffed, whether Colorado or Africa, I come face to face with issues that afflict men and the work God is doing in the hearts of men around the world, and I want to be part of this.” 2017: “Recently completing my 3^rd second level weekend, Leadership I, and am looking forward to where this leads. More shadow work will yield more positive impact on my relationships with my wife, children, family and friends.

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Next Man Stories: David Elmore

David became “Dancing Ram” just two short years ago.  Previously, he was “a religiously frustrated 40 year old looking for more.”  Married to an amazing women (she told him to put that in), with two sons, a daughter, he's lived life pursuing something.  That something has consisted of working in CNC manufacturing & training, church ministry and most recently his own business – allowing him to pursue his passion for ministry. Q:  Go back to the beginning for you with The Crucible Project: My initial weekend was June 2015. While working with Joe Smith in Midland, TX, he invited me to his Crucible Graduation ceremony.  Joe hugged me for the first time. Something was different about him. He invited me to the next weekend, and I signed up but the timing never seemed right. Family issues, money issues, life issues, job issues - I just kept making excuses for not going. Every time another weekend came up, Joe would call and ask. A year went by. I finally signed up.  One month before my weekend, I lost my job of 8 years. I lost years of knowing who I was. There were no more excuses. It was the right time. Q: Sounds like you were ripe for a change: The weekend changed my life. My identity was so wrapped up in my job then everything was stripped away. It was perfect timing. Calling my wife about 30 miles away from the retreat center in Midland, I was in tears. Something big was about to happen. My fear level was high. After the weekend, I wondered what the hell just happened to me.  For the first time, I felt like something major had shifted inside. I came away with hope and a new outlook on life.  A phrase stuck out to me over the whole weekend: “This boy may be wild; He may be untamed, but he is not evil.”  That message changed me. Not only does God love me; He likes me! Q:  You got involved with a 12 week SKYPE soul group, but it took time, correct? I joined a 12 week group the first time it became available. I did not understand all of the work I had done during the weekend, so I dove into the internet trying to find out more information on what this “initiation” stuff was.  I did not have a group to connect with in East Texas after my initial weekend was over, so I immediately felt isolated after The Crucible Project. It took a few months before a group was available. The twelve week group grounded me in the concepts of The Crucible Project.  It helped flesh out the emotions I was feeling.  Another way I stay connected is working weekends. Since June 2015, I have staffed 8 weekends and attended two second level weekends. The work is valuable to me and I want to share that with other men. Additionally, I am involved in a weekly Sunday night leadership group with Byron Myers, which keeps me connected. It’s amazing how connected the Skype groups are. I had about about connecting in an online environment. Now I look forward weekly to the connection with our group. With several men in my area, I am currently looking to get a Skype twelve week group started closer to home. Q: How have you seen transformation in your life since 2015 and what are you looking forward to this year? The biggest change is around Shame and Self Worth. Spending five years in the Texas Prison system, I have been hurt by a lot of people, and have done my share of hurting those around me. Although I have accomplished many things in the fifteen years I have been out of prison, to say I was a good man would not cross my mind. Walking into a room I felt like everyone knew. Experiencing moments of success, I would then self-sabotage just to start over. I was aware of these cycles but felt helpless to change them. The Crucible Project has given me tools to navigate life. My marriage has changed; the way I father my children has changed; Now I enter my community knowing  I have something to offer.  I encourage vulnerability and authenticity to those who come in contact with me by first being vulnerable and authentic.  I say at the end of every retreat I staff: "This work saved my life." I look forward to my oldest son attending an initial weekend this year, and plan on sending my youngest son to the teen version. I look forward to working at least three weekends this year and attend one 2nd Level Weekend. Working with Celebrate Recovery, and I help lead a group this year in a local prison. I am excited to watch my new business grow, and I know that I would not be doing my business without The Crucible Project work. Q: What should motivate men to stay in Crucible work and what insights would you give them? Every time I go back in my past and allow God to rewrite my history, I come home changed. I want that for every man. Practicing the work with my family, my sons have clearings with me, and we do check-ins. I am intentional with my wife, and love to use what I learned during the blessing ceremony on my wife and children. My wife trusts me more everyday. I screw up daily but self correct more quickly now.  The more I reach out to other men; the more I find out about myself. Never quit inviting men. Joe invited me over and over again. It’s not our job to make men attend. Continue to do your work and let your life shine. Hold men accountable; have clearings with men, and share your emotions. They see the difference. Our job is to live the Gospel; if we don’t invite them who will. If we don’t live it; it’s just talk.

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Next Man Stories: Michael Byrd (April 2017)

Michael has experienced God’s transformation through the Crucible Project.  He has worked in the social service arena his entire career from in-patient psychiatric counseling, out patient family therapy, pregnant drug treatment case management, Illinois Department of Children and Family Services Administrator to now as the Assistant Superintendent (Warden) of Programs at the Illinois Department of Juvenile Justice – Illinois Youth Center- Chicago (Juvenile Prison).  He has been married 25 years and has 3 daughters, ages 30, 18, and 14 with 3 grandchildren, ages 4 and 2.  Growing up as an only child, he was adopted within his family, though he had an older brother.  All 4 of his parents are now deceased as is his brother. Michael has recreated his family through a long standing fictive relationship that started when he was in high school and continues to this day.  The Crucible brotherhood also fills the role of family for him as well. Q:  Your animal name is “The Rebirth of Cool Stallion,” which is a pretty cool name! It was formerly White Stallion until my carpet on the Sexuality Weekend where I was born again and I borrowed from a Miles Davis album title because I no longer felt unwanted and not accepted, not cool. Q:  Rollback to your initial weekend, what transpired? My initial weekend was May of 2014.  Pastor Phil Jackson coerced me into attending.  It gave me healing from shadow related to powerlessness over my mother’s death when I was an infant and of a sexualized assault that occurred by a younger but bigger boy when I was around 12.  My sense of powerlessness and being devalued had been a whispering, lingering voice hiding in the shadows impacting me and my choices for so long, but that weekend helped me to identify this powerlessness and gave me a sense of my strength.  I did a push of the negative voice out of the room and managed to push past my safeties, one of which was a former professional football player that created my sense of Stallion and has so taken me to a place where I stand in my Warrior energy definitively and much more cleanly.  I went from a hatchling: weak, wet, begging for food, vulnerable with my eyes sealed shut still to White Stallion, pure, undefiled and strong with a presence that exudes the ability to stride through with force if need be. Q:  Tell us about next steps and the benefits of that in your journey.

I joined a Soul Group soon after and have remained a part of it for these past 2 years.  I have been walking in leadership as I support our groups energy and challenge our groups health and integrity.  It has been a safe space for me to go and look at my shadow, be authentic in my check in with myself and have a group of brothers who hold me accountable.

I have become more centered and comfortable with looking at my shadow.  I recognize that I have unresolved wounds which create angry reactions in my marriage, in my self image, in my acting out of my sadness and hurt.  I am challenged to face my wound around not being valued and walk in tenderness for myself.  I have always been so hard on myself because I had seen myself as a looser, weak and fragile unable to defend myself from self-esteem attacks.  But now I’ve been born again and almost every time I reflect on that great experience of being birth into the waiting arms of my new mom, Brian Smith (sorry dad but the focus of that experience was mom) I begin to smile uncontrollably and often break into giddy laughter.

I feel like this Crucible work is a natural extension of the use of my Gold which I have been doing since my career started.  That is, being a catalyst for change and transformation for people who need/want it. This work helps me continually and I love being a part of sharing in the transformation of other men and their families.  I need to be a part of making that change because I know what it is like to live in a family where I’m carrying secrets which are cancerous and infested with dysfunction.  I know men and their families need someone to who is not afraid to face the journey with them.  

I’m need to delve into my father issues more.  To date I have done the significant part of my work on my mothers but haven’t done a lot with my father.  That should be next, as some hurt came up last month when we did a father exercise where I had to introduce my father.

Q: Being involved with “Urban” men – what would you say are the greatest challenges in Crucible for them?

I think one of the great challenges in Crucible for urban men is the decoding of the racial disparities which create distance and walls between urban crucible men and our sub-urban brothers.  Generally speaking it seems more sub-urban brothers have more disposable income than the urban brothers.  Financing attendance at an initial weekend is a car payment or a gas bill in the winter months or part of a child support payment.  Making the choice to pay for the weekend vs. a stocked refrigerator is a huge choice walking into the unknown value of the weekend pre-carpet experience.  

Frankly the coded title of the “Urban weekend”, which attempts to target primarily, men of color is a challenge; which points out that our ability to identify each other through our limited mutual language is a place where work is needed. Another challenge is being able to trust.  My sense is that men of color have not been given reason to trust institutions run by White men, especially those who have secret methods that are on the surface appearing to be governed by a White male board and where an overwhelming majority of the participants are White men who can not claim to know intimately a man of color, to have read a recent book by a person of color, who probably have misconceptions of Black & Latino culture but because of the impact of the shadow of institutionalized racism they don’t know it.  

Trust is a big challenge because men of color have too often found themselves subjugated by White men who have the power to influence outcomes on a micro and macro level when it comes to where men of color can choose to live (red lining), jobs (glass ceilings), education (poorly funded public school systems).  

Q: What other insights do you have to offer other men?

Men need to meet themselves and other men authentically and be able to be vulnerable, to be able to be touched literally and figuratively without being harmed and to be held accountable in a way that is loving, teaching, firm without allowing a pass but without abusing.  Men of Crucible remaining men of integrity, accountability, and genuinely expressive of their SASHET emotions demonstrate to men who have not been initiated but need help with their woundedness are drawn to this work.  We have to be authentic though and deal with both shadow and gold and not wear mask or disguises when dealing with both our initiated and not initiated brothers in our lives.

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Next Man Stories:  Larry Korbus (March 2017)

Larry has been a husband to Linda soon to celebrate 29 years of marriage.  Larry declares that their relationship is the best it’s ever been.  Their “kids” consist of a pack of 7 rescue dogs (so far).  He’s had three careers in his lifetime.  After college he managed a drafting department for an engineering firm.  With additional education, he became an associate pastor for a church in Chicago’s suburbs.  Currently, Larry is an independent, FT day-trader who has recently taken the PT reigns of the Operations Manager position for The Crucible Project. Q: Tell us about the new role in Crucible? Larry:  Since the first time I staffed, I have consistently served as one of the weekend coordinators. I told myself that the proficiency with which I performed these tasks confirmed my abilities and resulted in the offer to serve as TCP’s Operations Manager. In that role, I have a variety of responsibilities – everything from customer service and support, preparing budgets and approving payments, working with weekend coordinators, as well as database and document management.   Q: What is your initial weekend experience story?

I attended my Initial Weekend in March of 2012. In addition to Bible studies, I had been a part of different recovery and support groups in a variety of church and secular settings. However, in one of those groups a man casually mentioned The Crucible Project. I really wasn’t looking for another group. But, I conducted research online and was intrigued enough to pick up the phone to ask a few questions. I now know the man who I spoke with was Greg Huston. He left me with the impression that this group could be different from anything else I had been a part of – and was he right!

In my lifetime, there have been three major events that have radically changed my life for the better. First, coming to know and accept Jesus Christ as my personal Savior. Second, marrying my wife – including every challenge and blessing that has come since our wedding day. And finally, my Initial Weekend (along with the 2-Year Program and four 2nd Level weekends).

 Q: You got right into the 2 Year Program and how has that benefited you?

I knew, after the graduation ceremony on Saturday night of my Initial Weekend that I wanted everything TCP had to offer. I returned home and discussed with my wife the financial investment it would take. I began the 2-Year Program the very next month.

Although I have been a part of many groups in my lifetime, I lived the majority of my life in isolation – especially from men (since I did not consider myself their equal). However, as a direct result of my work in TCP, I am now surrounded by men who accept, support and love me unconditionally. Consequently, I am freely and confidently building healthy, meaningful and close relationships with many of my brothers. 

Q: What motivates you to keep going in Crucible work and what does 2017 hold for you?

I have a strong desire to use my talents to give back to the TCP community for all that has been given to me. I also want to provide the encouragement and support (just like I was given 5 years ago) to men on their Initial Weekends as well as in my post 2-year group.

Carpet Work has had a profound impact on me. So much so, that in December of last year, I embarked on the journey to become a certified Carpet Facilitator. This journey requires not only the acquisition of specific skills but a deep and intense look at my own “issues”. In November of this year, I intend to complete the second leg of that journey. However, throughout this year, I look forward to practicing my newly acquired talent in my post 2-year group as well as any Initial and 2^nd Level Weekends I will staff. 

I would encourage all initiated men to continue their work in some form – soul groups, 2-year program, second level weekends and/or staffing. I highly suspect that, without continuing the forward movement that began on my Initial Weekend, I would have easily and quickly slipped back into old patterns.

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Next Man Stories:  Tim Rush (February 2017)

Tim Rush (Advancing Charger) spend 11 years in Mexico working with house churches and built a retreat site for inner-city Christian social workers.  He currently serves as the Equipping Minister at Memorial Drive Church of Christ in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  Tim is married for 18 years with three kids. Q:  Describe your initial weekend and how that impacted you? Tim:  In May of 2012, I attended the weekend at Land of My Grandfathers outside of Houston, Texas.  My mission teammate, Chadd Schroeder invited me as he also had a vision to bring Crucible into Mexico.  Initially, I put off going to a weekend – but the fear of missing out on future ministry in Mexico motivated me. I was blown away at the weekend!  That initial fear of missing out changed after I did the pre-retreat interview in finding my want for the weekend.  I realized that “played small,” never wanting to be truly seen.  Thus, my initial animal name was Ant, while I looked to find a sense of my own personal value. Q:  And what became of Ant? Tim:  Besides realizing that I really do have what it takes, I also discovered some harmful patterns I repeated with my children.  Before the weekend, I would have said I was a kind and loving father.  During the weekend, I realized that anger was a real issue for me and by denying it, I was giving it power to come out sideways – doing a lot of damage to my kids. Q:  What kind of changes have you seen in your life? Tim:  I am a much better father that I was before.  When I notice that I’m becoming angry with my kids, I can recognize that feeling before it comes out sideways.  I’ve also awakened to the need of blessing my kids.  It’s given me tools to make that a real part of our relationship.  I’m a better husband.  I am learning to listen better when my wife is upset, even though I wanted to avoid conflict at all costs.  In owning what I need own and be ok with listening, even though I don’t agree – allowing her to feel her feelings – without taking on baggage.  She fells like she and the kids are seen by me, and more highly valued. Q: You’re continuing to staff and do second level work – how is that going and what motivated you to keep going? Tim:  I didn’t join a Soul group for a couple of years, which I really regret.  I remember getting back home and waking up Monday asking, “Did that really happen?”  Did I say my truth out loud..in front of all those other men?  And I think from that point, until I staffed for the first time, I felt encouraged by the weekend, but in a somewhat surreal way.  I felt like it was a good experience, but it was too large to take in fully.  Staffing future weekends, and then finally joining a Soul group helped me to ground what I was learning. My first time to lead a group just so happened to be while I was also searching for a new job.  To be honest, I don’t think I could have accepted my current job if not for the group.  Serving that container of men helped me give value to my own giftedness. I’m motivated to stay involved by what I see going on in my own work as well as the men I serve alongside here in Tulsa.  When I see men around me stepping deeper in their love for the wives, kids and brothers, it motivates me to continue this work.  I’m also looking forward to attending my first 2nd level weekend this year. Q:  Tell us more about what is going on in Mexico! Tim:  An encouraging aspect of The Crucible Project has been witnessing it’s impact in Mexico.  Originally, we were worried that there would be a lot of cultural-specific aspects that wouldn’t translate, or would just be considered offensive.  But some of the areas we were concerned about have been zones that Mexican men have been longing for.  There seems to be a consistent theme: “This is what our country needs” coming out of the participants. One of the leaders mentioned that the Old Testament ends with the prophecy about the arrival of John the Baptist, who would prepare the way for Jesus.  Malachi says that he would prepare the way by turning the hearts of the fathers toward their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers.  I think that can sum up The Crucible Project.  It turns the hearts of fathers toward their children.  Sunday morning check ins are always peppered with comments like, “I can’t wait to get home and love my kids!”  Witnessing that again and again reminds me that we are doing kingdom work together; that as a brotherhood of men, we are joining together to prepare hearts, young and old, for Jesus.

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Next Man Stories:  Matt Ewen (January 2017)

Matt Ewen lives in Brownwood, TX, Southwest of Dallas and is the Assistant Director at Heart of Texas Baptist Camp.  He is married to Christy, and has a son & daughter.  While Matt is originally from Wyoming and missed the mountains, trout fishing and courteous drivers out there – he states that God has him where He wants him.  And The Crucible Project is a part of that. Q:  Tell us a little bit more about your background and how God set that up. Matt:  I felt the call to the Gospel ministry in my teens. All through my college years, I didn’t really know where that calling would take me. Turns out, through many growth experiences, God was molding me specifically for the camping ministry. I didn’t know camping ministry was even a thing until He called me to it. I am currently serving in the capacity of Assistant Director at Heart of Texas Baptist Camp in Brownwood, TX. With 12 years of experience in the field, looking back it is easy see His hand at work throughout my life. I continue to experience spiritual transformation as He continues to guide my path. My calling to the camping ministry centers around the transformational power of Christ in the lives of individuals through the camp setting. My goal is to be used by God to help facilitate that experience. My tools to reach that goal are; exceptional service, compassion, grace, authenticity, self-sacrifice, silent strength, and humility. The theme my life has centered around is found in Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Q:  What’s your story about how to came to attend an initial Crucible weekend?  You heard about it in a unique way! Matt:  My initial weekend was January 23-25 of 2015 here at Heart of Texas Camp in Brownwood. The camp had been hosting Crucible weekends for a few years, and I operated the facility end of the retreat. I never really understood what was happening as I witnessed the activities that I could see taking place. It seemed secretive and strange compared to other retreats that utilize the facilities. Byron Myers had been encouraging me to attend for a while. I finally decided to take him up on the offer. I’m sure some of his reasoning was so I could understand what the unusual facility requests were all about. Now, having experienced the weekend, I realize that each activity, gathering and procedure had an intentional purpose as a part of the process. So, what seemed ‘strange’ and ‘secretive’ at the time is what made the transformational experience so powerful. Q:  How did that weekend impact you? Matt:  The initial weekend was really an awakening for me. A revitalization of the dreary drudgery, which I had come to know as my spiritual life. I grew up in a strong Christian home. I’ve been going to church and listening to preachers my entire life. I’ve been to camps and retreats. I showed up to Crucible expecting the typical retreat where everyone sits around listening to someone drone on about God and His love and how He wants the best for your life. Boring. I know this already. I’ve heard it all a million times. Instead, what I got was a completely new, hands-on experience that shattered my perception of what it really means to be an authentic and passionate man of God. Q:  How are you involved now?  What else are you up to? Matt:  I am not involved with a Soul Group. Instead I have developed a local network of men whose purpose is to foster an atmosphere of accountability for each other. I attended the 2nd level ‘Dark Side of Leadership’ weekend in February 2016. From that experience, I discovered unpleasant truths about myself in regards to my leadership style. One of the biggest discoveries was that my lofty expectations of others is my own way to deliberately cause others to fail, in order for me to feel more powerful. The experience taught me that a leader causes those who follow to succeed through guidance, love, and compassion; rather than coercion. Q:  How have you seen transformation in your life? Matt:  The biggest transformation for me has been the process of breaking the chains of fear I have wrapped myself in. Fear of failure, fear of being exposed as a phony, and fear of being a disappointment. By breaking these chains I allow room for confidence, authenticity, passion, and truth to reign in me.  

The relationships that I have developed with the men is my motivation. Next to that is my passion to be used by God to help facilitate transformations that crush the old fearful man in order to create a new and confident man.

Q:  What are you looking forward to in terms of growth this year?

Matt:  I most look forward to the opportunities to serve the individuals who come to camp searching for transformation in their spiritual life. My own growth is directly related to my service to others. I am currently scheduled to staff an initial Crucible weekend this month as well as attend the ‘Discovering and Living Your Mission’ 2nd level weekend next month.

Q:  What would you share with other men who are interested in growing? Matt:  The only way to grow spiritually is to be authentic with yourself. The only way to reach others is to be authentic in your relationships. Opening our eyes to the opportunities we are given each moment of every day is vital to that spiritual growth. Crucible has played a key role in that growth in my life.

 My oldest brother had a saying, “If you don’t know Jesus, GET to know Him. If you know Him, ACT like it. Live your life intentionally.” Make each attitude, decision, relationship, thought and commitment in your life an INTENTIONAL act with the ultimate purpose to bring honor and glory to God. When we put our life in perspective by thinking heavenly minded, we see that the trials we face in this short time on earth will pale in comparison to eternity with God. Crucible will help each man put their life in perspective. It did for me.

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Next Man Stories:  Terrance Foster (December 2017)

Terrance Foster lives in Chicago and engaged deeply in Crucible work.  Here is his story. Q:  Tell us about your initial weekend? Terrance:  I attended my 1st weekend November 2012.  I was invited by my good friend and mentor, Phil Jackson.  The first thing he did was invite myself and six other men to a Crucible graduation, and upon hearing the testimonies of the men who had just completed the weekend – I knew I had to go. Q:  How did the weekend impact you? Terrance:  You know, it was an eye opener. I had already been on this spiritual journey of finding myself.  I felt like this weekend was one of the necessary components to my journey.  I had so many issues with who I was, and how many times I had failed in life, that I was afraid to even think about who God said I was and who He wanted me to be.  This weekend was the day I was reborn.  I was able to start the process of dealing with the parts of myself that have held me back from being the real me. Q:  Tell me about your experience with a Soul Group. Terrance: I did not start a soul group directly after my weekend.  It took several months after, but I had a conversation with Chris Mosher, who was leading the soul group at the time, and he told me what the commitment was and if it worked for me.  That was it for me! Q:  How have you transformed from being involved in The Crucible Project? Terrance:  I’m more aware of who I am and who I want (and don’t want) to be.  I challenge myself more to do things that I’d never do.  I am able to openly admit my wrongs and my rights to others.  I’m not so quick to respond in anger to things that upset me. Q:  You do a lot of Second Level stuff, including staffing, inviting other men – what motivates you to do that? Terrance:  You know, it’s like having insider information on a stock that can make you and your friends very rich.  You know when you hear people say, “if I knew what I know now and could back in the past, my life would be totally different?”  That’s how I look at the weekends, staffing & inviting other men.  This is all valuable stuff that I need to tell other men about.  The fact that we can deal with our past and present issues to help change our lives today is wealth to me.  So I increase my wealth every time I staff, invite and serve other men. Q:  What’s coming up for you – you’re working on going overseas for a weekend? Terrance:  This fall I was invited to go to Africa to Nairobi, Kenya for two weeks in February 2017 to attend a men’s conference and staff two initial weekends. I’m so excited that (1) someone thought to invite me and (2) to be going to Africa to be able to serve other men in another country. Q:  When we staffed together this past November, you said something very poignant at the final staff check in – regarding race and reconciliation and the role Crucible plays in that – could you explain further? Terrance:  Yes, i realize that we are people are broken and that in that brokenness is hurt, judgements, and fear, which has created some of the world’s biggest problems with racism, and prejudice.  I think people are scared to talk about this and how it plays out in their lives & environments.  So the issues get buriedeven deeper when we don’t deal with them.  I know some some feel people need to move on or act like none of these issues exist or effect them, but in order to have real reconciliation, we must talk about these issues.  Even though it is going to be hard and uncomfortable.  I feel that The Crucible Project is a perfect place to start the process to talk and deal with these issues.  I want people to see me and my skin color as well and then take time to get to know me as a person, a man.  And if you have issues with people that look like me, then let’s talk about it.  I want to reconcile our differences so that we can work together to build a healthy future for our families. Q:  I remember Judson Poling, one of the weekend leaders respond to you and said he was willing to follow your lead in dealing with racism & reconciliation  – I was blown away.  What were your impressions? Terrance:  You know, even now as I think back to that day at that moment, I am overwhelmed with joy, excitement & tenderness.  The fact that someone would even want to follow my lead on anything scares the heck out of me.  At the same time it makes me feel empowered, seen & heard.  For that, my respect level and trust of Judson’s leadership has risen even higher.  It also let me know that I was in the right place with the right people.

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Next Man Stories:  Brian Marshall (November 2017)

We recently sat with Brian while he was staffing an initial weekend.  Here is his story. Q: How did you come to attend your initial weekend? Brian: I attended my initial weekend in May of 2015 to provide support for a friend of mine who wanted to attend but didn’t want to do it on his own. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into when I registered but quickly realized that the weekend would be life changing once I arrived. Q: What happened and how were you impacted? Brian: My experience on my initial weekend was life changing. I was already a Christian (since birth), but I did not have a relationship with Christ prior to that weekend. It was on Saturday night that I felt the unconditional love of Christ and surrendered my life to him. It was at that moment that I came to Christ and my life was forever changed. Q: What’s changed since you attended your initial weekend? Brian: Everything changed for me from that moment forward. The trajectory of my life, family and business have changed since my initial weekend. Christ is now at the center and is the chief strategist. I have learned to accept that which is not within my control and have found peace in the process.  I have attended 2 of the 2nd level weekends since my initial weekend and am part of a Crucible Soul group that meets twice a month. Q: I noticed that you have a good number of men attending their first Crucible weekend – what motivated you to invite so many men? Brian: I have been blessed to have formed so many solid relationships with other men in throughout my life. Most of them started out as business relationships where I was their coach or mentor, and ultimately became friends. Frankly, those men witnessed my transformation and became very interested in what was going on in my life. I felt compelled to share my journey with them as part of my life mission to “Motivate, Mentor and inspire others to be genuine, courageous servant leaders.” This mission was something that I was able to discover as part of one of the 2nd level Crucible weekends that I have attended since my initial weekend.